Diet soda

This was also where my mind was in August of 2013:

As a person who struggles with anorexia nervosa, I am a master at restricting my food.  Evidenced in a previous post, I understand and embrace a monotonous diet, eating the exact same foods everyday.

But I don't understand and embrace celebrating.

When I first started having symptoms of anorexia nervosa (AN) and restricting my food, I told myself that I was not going to link food and relationships with people.  For me, that meant that I could sit at a table with friends or family and not eat but still fully participate in the relationship and the celebration.

I was going to completely separate food and people.

I've sat at many celebratory tables--Thanksgivings, Christmases, weddings, birthdays--and either did not eat at all or restricted what I did eat.

This idea that I can somehow make food devoid of any meaning is not healthy nor achievable.

By trying to make food not have any meaning for days of celebration, I have effectually made food the most important part of a celebratory day.  I spend most days of the year restricting and not allowing myself food that I would like to have, so when a celebration day comes around, I begin obsessing about all of the foods that I could let myself have.

I fantasize about Subway sandwiches, bananas, fruit, salad, ice cream, bagels with cream cheese, peanut butter.  My mind obsesses about the possibilities, the calories, what I will have to give up to choose one of these other options, the next time that I can let myself have a celebration.

I don't "affirm faith and relationships as the basis for celebrating" (Longacre).

When I do allow myself a food as a way to celebrate, I also co-opt it into my restrictive pattern and turn it into something completely devoid of joy.

Over Christmas, I had my first diet soda.  Before that, I had almost completely restricted soda since high school.

I do enjoy these zero calorie beverages, but I have changed them from a part of a celebratory day, like the last day of school or Christmas vacation, into another part of my system of restricting.

Instead of sitting down with my husband and drinking a diet soda to celebrate our ten year anniversary, I spend the day planning when I will drink it, worrying that caffeine is bad for me, Googling the effects of caffeine, feeling guilty that I spent 50 cents for the diet soda, and feeling sad that I will only have one and wishing that I could have more.

But I further strip any joy out of the experience once I actually drink the diet soda.  I will watch the clock and only drink at certain times, hoping to prolong the enjoyment of the drink, therefore not enjoying the actual celebration.  And wanting to hold onto these feelings of joy and excitement even longer, I will save the diet soda and drink it all week.

This allows me to think about it every day and plan when I will drink it and be excited about getting to drink it and hoping that I will feel the same elation I felt when I was celebrating with people I love.

So, instead of enjoying a nice 15 minute time of sitting with my husband to celebrate our ten year anniversary while I enjoy a diet soda, I will spend the next week guiltily gulping sips of it out of the bottle while I stand in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open.

By trying to make food devoid of any meaning for celebrations, I have made it carry all of the meaning of the day.

We create special food days to try and make a random day like the first Friday in June special.  But everyday can't be, and doesn't need to be, a celebration.  We don't need to cling to a feeling of joy or falsely manufacture days to celebrate.  Life is full of beautiful relationships and amazing faith worth affirming. 

Since I have discovered that food cannot be disentangled from relationships with people and celebrations, I want to re-prioritize what it means for me.  I want it to play a complementary role as I affirm faith and relationships as the basis for celebrating.