Diet soda

This was also where my mind was in August of 2013:

As a person who struggles with anorexia nervosa, I am a master at restricting my food.  Evidenced in a previous post, I understand and embrace a monotonous diet, eating the exact same foods everyday.

But I don't understand and embrace celebrating.

When I first started having symptoms of anorexia nervosa (AN) and restricting my food, I told myself that I was not going to link food and relationships with people.  For me, that meant that I could sit at a table with friends or family and not eat but still fully participate in the relationship and the celebration.

I was going to completely separate food and people.

I've sat at many celebratory tables--Thanksgivings, Christmases, weddings, birthdays--and either did not eat at all or restricted what I did eat.

This idea that I can somehow make food devoid of any meaning is not healthy nor achievable.

By trying to make food not have any meaning for days of celebration, I have effectually made food the most important part of a celebratory day.  I spend most days of the year restricting and not allowing myself food that I would like to have, so when a celebration day comes around, I begin obsessing about all of the foods that I could let myself have.

I fantasize about Subway sandwiches, bananas, fruit, salad, ice cream, bagels with cream cheese, peanut butter.  My mind obsesses about the possibilities, the calories, what I will have to give up to choose one of these other options, the next time that I can let myself have a celebration.

I don't "affirm faith and relationships as the basis for celebrating" (Longacre).

When I do allow myself a food as a way to celebrate, I also co-opt it into my restrictive pattern and turn it into something completely devoid of joy.

Over Christmas, I had my first diet soda.  Before that, I had almost completely restricted soda since high school.

I do enjoy these zero calorie beverages, but I have changed them from a part of a celebratory day, like the last day of school or Christmas vacation, into another part of my system of restricting.

Instead of sitting down with my husband and drinking a diet soda to celebrate our ten year anniversary, I spend the day planning when I will drink it, worrying that caffeine is bad for me, Googling the effects of caffeine, feeling guilty that I spent 50 cents for the diet soda, and feeling sad that I will only have one and wishing that I could have more.

But I further strip any joy out of the experience once I actually drink the diet soda.  I will watch the clock and only drink at certain times, hoping to prolong the enjoyment of the drink, therefore not enjoying the actual celebration.  And wanting to hold onto these feelings of joy and excitement even longer, I will save the diet soda and drink it all week.

This allows me to think about it every day and plan when I will drink it and be excited about getting to drink it and hoping that I will feel the same elation I felt when I was celebrating with people I love.

So, instead of enjoying a nice 15 minute time of sitting with my husband to celebrate our ten year anniversary while I enjoy a diet soda, I will spend the next week guiltily gulping sips of it out of the bottle while I stand in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open.

By trying to make food devoid of any meaning for celebrations, I have made it carry all of the meaning of the day.

We create special food days to try and make a random day like the first Friday in June special.  But everyday can't be, and doesn't need to be, a celebration.  We don't need to cling to a feeling of joy or falsely manufacture days to celebrate.  Life is full of beautiful relationships and amazing faith worth affirming. 

Since I have discovered that food cannot be disentangled from relationships with people and celebrations, I want to re-prioritize what it means for me.  I want it to play a complementary role as I affirm faith and relationships as the basis for celebrating.

Reflections on the word "diet"

Here is something I wrote on August 6, 2013 while working on this blog and before the hiatus and brain re-wire work.

When I encounter the word diet, my mind sometimes follows this trajectory: losing weight, eating less, being healthy, working out, bathing suits, obsession, scale, my stomach feels fat, I am fat, I need to work out more, I should work out right now, How can I eat less today?

Sure, most people have had these thoughts run through their minds.  You're walking through the mall, and you see a display of swimsuits and wish that you were in better shape.  There's an ad on TV for the latest weight loss plan (gimmick), and you entertain the idea of learning more about it or maybe even trying it.

But my mind didn't use to stop with those thoughts.  My mind would latch onto a word, an image, an idea, a thought and not let go of it.

If someone mentioned that they were starting a diet, my mind would eventually lead me to think and believe that I needed to start a diet.  Depending on the day, I may have even convinced myself that the other person had hinted or even suggested that I too needed to go on a diet.

But before I drag you further into the dark creveces of my mind, I want to talk about the word diet. 

I would like to say that I understand and use the word diet as defined on Wikipedia as : "(nutrition), the sum of food consumed by an organism or group," as opposed to the definition of dieting: "the deliberate selection of food to control body weight or nutrient intake.: 

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diet

But I do not feel that I even talk about food in a healthy way, let alone think about, or eat it in a way that promotes health and well-being.

You may argue that it is a game of symantics, that my word choice does not matter.  But to me, it matters immensly.  Using the word "food", "nutrition", or "nutrients" for what I consume can feel as important to me as if someone calls me "white", "anglo", or "American".  These words feel very different as they are applied to me as a person.  The same is true for the words that I use for the stuff that I put in my mouth that I consume to survive.

Come journey with me on the path of re-wiring

I definitely took a hiatus. I'm not sure you can count multiple years as a hiatus, but that is what I called it. Since my last post there have been numerous Lenten seasons, life-altering moments, and many monotonous moments. So goes the life of human beings. I have done some very hard work with re-wiring my brain, which I wrote about a couple of years ago and just posted tonight. I just wanted to say that I am here. I am re-starting my writing. The format and content are changing, but the theme and message will remain the same. My project of cooking through the Mennonite cookbook did end with my last post in 2014, but I have so much to share from my journey to health and recovery. I plan to take you with me on this journey as I share what it was like to re-wire my brain through journal entries from the past few yeas and stories that have shaped my life. Thank you for reading.

Is four years still considered a hiatus?

I wrote this in 2018, and I am now ready to post it:

Wow, four years ago I took a hiatus from this project. From 2014 to the fall of 2015, I was on a slow trajectory of becoming more unhealthy and getting stuck in Anorexia. I am grateful for the people in my life who spoke into this and asked me to get help. I went back to my doctor to do blood work and began the slow and difficult process of re-feeding, yet again. I felt somewhat defeated as I had done this cycle before. But I also felt hopeful because I was doing it more because I wanted to and desired health for myself.

It was a process of re-gaining my physical health as I would still restrict and then reactive eat. I tried Whole 30, and a metabolism diet because I thought I was binging on sugar and thought I might be developing bulimia or a sugar-addiction. I tried the intuitive eating idea after reading the book by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. I made up a food plan that consisted of the exact same foods everyday, with the bulk of my food being a Subway sandwich and cookie. The people at Subway know me and my order. All of these things were me attempting to find a safe way to be healthy, to make my brain less anxious, to feel in control around food. But I was still eating only my foods, and only after 7PM when my kids had gone to bed. And I still wanted to avoid places and things with food.

Then, I rediscovered the blog by Tabitha Farrar in May and have been on a completely new path since then. In the past year, I've been able to express that sometimes my brain feels like I've gotten on the wrong path, I've gotten more anxious and narrow-focused. It's hard not to be obsessed with food and the anxiety surrounding that. When I read Tabitha's blog and book, Rehabilitate, Re-wire, Recover, she confirmed this feeling. Anorexia nervosa is a brain-based mental illness. My brain has been wired to fear food. And when my brain is around food, it shifts into the Parasympapthetic Nervous System, which is fight or flight. My brain was usually screaming at me to get away from food, to get it out of my house, to get it away from my husband and kids. Farrar explains that this was probably originally a mechanism that some people had during the days of migration. A person whose brain was wired with anorexia would go into migrate mode when put into nutritional depletion. So, I would have been the person that told the others to put the food down and move to a new area where the food was plentiful when we were running out of food or the herd was moving. All of this really resonated with me: the extreme fear around food and wanting to move away from it and get it out. I recognized all of these behaviors in myself.

But I had been going about recovery completely wrong. I thought that to feel safe around food, I had to completely control it. I asked my husband not to buy foods that I thought I would eat without control. I used to call these binges but have since learned that if I have a restrictive eating disorder, these are not binges. They are reactive eating experiences in response to restricting. So, I would try and eat only foods that I deemed safe. And these safe foods and safe experiences have changed so many times over the 20 years that anorexia has been activated in my brain. My brain always found a new way to change and adapt, so that I would continue restricting and be ready to migrate. But during the days of migration, the restriction served a short-term purpose to get the group to migrate to abundant food. And then people ate, and there wasn't nutritional inadequacy anymore. But for me, I kept going back to the restrictive and depleted nutritional state.

And when I would allow myself to eat unrestricted, it was still while in the Parasympathetic Nervous System. My brain and body were still aroused and anxious, and I was continuing to dig the trenches in the channels of my brain that said food is to be feared. And when you do have the foods that your body is asking for, you end up eating them in a quantity that is past satisfaction.

I started reading Farrar's book about re-wiring in May, 2018 and realized that to recover, I had to do all of the things that my brain is afraid to do. My brain is wired to fear food. I can re-wire it to not be afraid of food.

Some people may read this and misunderstand what I am describing with the general cultural hatred of fat and gaining weight. They are two separate issues, both worth addressing, and both very serious. A culture obsessed with weight, and food lifestyles, and ethical eating, and prolonging our lives, and our outward appearances creates an environment that is easy for eating disorders to get activated in those people pre-disposed to them. But there are many people who will go on diets and lose weight who do not have eating disorders, and their brains will not then be wired to fear food. Food will not become a threat to be avoided.

Here's an example to share how an anorexic brain responds to a food that it believes to be a threat. In May, 2018 we had teacher appreciation week. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to have candy or other sugar foods in my box or in the teacher's break room. One morning, I was teaching a reading lesson in a small group, and an e-mail popped up that said "Donuts in the break room". It was instantaneous. I read it. My brain perceive a threat, and I went into full-on, high alert, fight-or-flight mode. I was trying to plan the rest of my day to avoid walking anywhere near that room.

Ten-Minute All-In-One Meal

Recipe #9: p. 143, Ten-Minute All-In-One Meal--Flo Harnish, Akron, Pennsylvania

whole wheat bread
tomato
onion
hard cheese

This meal was very simple and very fast.  It tasted good and can be eaten with a fork or fingers!

I closed my previous blog with this statement: We do not live in isolation, but we act as if we do, which leads to lack of empathy, which in turn leads to violence.  To counter this destructive chain, we must actively seek to follow Jesus and his example of empathy and compassion towards others.

I left readers with a challenge to actively seek to follow Jesus, and now I would like to offer ways that this can be accomplished through Mennonite Central Committee's Relief Sales and Penny for Power campaigns.

Information about Mennonite Relief Sales:
Beginning in the late 1950’s, Mennonite Relief Sales began for the purpose of raising funds to support the projects and programs of Mennonite Central Committee, a worldwide ministry of Anabaptist churches. MCC shares God's love and compassion for all in the name of Christ by responding to basic human needs and working for peace and justice. Forty three relief sale events in the U.S. and Canada raise over five million dollars annually. Sale events are hosted by  local communities with the help of thousands of  hundreds volunteers who contributing their time and resources. Relief sales today are festive events, enjoyed by large crowds that come for the food, fellowship and  opportunity to support the relief, development and peace work of MCC. Attendees can purchase  hand crafted quilts, wood products and a variety of other donated items. Some events include fun-runs, music and childrens activities.  Learn more about relief sale locations and how you can get involved by browsing through web page. http://reliefsales.mcc.org/aboutus

More resources about MCC relief sales and food and water shortages around the world:
http://reliefsales.mcc.org/

Every five seconds a child dies because he or she is hungry.
https://resources.mcc.org/sites/default/files/site-configuration/field_attachment/Foodbasket_GivingCalendar.pdf

Did you know people can survive 2 months without food, but will die in 3 days without water?
https://resources.mcc.org/sites/default/files/site-configuration/field_attachment/MCCWaterWorks_GivingCalendar.pdf

Six-Layer Dish

Recipe #5: p. 137, Six-Layer Dish--Bonnie Zook, Leola, PA; Martha Buckwalter, Lancaster, PA; Fern Lehman, Kidron, OH

potatos
carrots
uncooked rice
onions
ground beef
canned tomatoes
brown sugar



"Much of the what's-wrong-with-us material relating to world food needs centers on overconsumption of protein.  While protein is widely lacking in poorer countries, most people in Candada and the United States eat much more than necessary.
    Much of the protein we eat, in contrast to poorer nations, comes from meat, milk, and eggs.  Beef cattle are poor converters of grain to food protein." More-with-Less, p. 20-21


 http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2004-03-18/news/0403180191_1_pedro-alvarez-cattle-cuban-economy

"In communist Cuba, only the state is allowed to slaughter cattle and sell the meat. Citizens who kill a cow--even if they raised it themselves--can get a 10-year prison sentence. Anyone who transports or sells a poached animal can get locked up for 8 years.
"My brother-in-law got a 12-year prison sentence for killing 12 cows," said an accountant who lives in the cattle-raising region.
But it's not unheard of for Cubans to sneak into a pasture at night and butcher a cow on the spot. Residents have been known to descend on a cow struck by lightning, carving it up in minutes even though the meat often is charred and they risk a fine if caught by police.
The same thing can happen if a cow is hit by a car or dies of illness or malnutrition, in giving birth or of old age, even though residents admit the law requires them to leave the carcass alone and notify local officials."


Last week, I cooked this Six-Layer-Dish that had one pound of ground beef for 4 people.

Recently, I learned about the rarity of beef for Cubans.

Granted, Communist Cuba does not accurately reflect the same realities of all of the poorer countries in the world, it does highlight the extremes with regards to protein-consumption between the U.S./Canada and many poorer countries.

As a person who has battled Anorexia Nervosa (AN) for years, beef has been for me one of my "scary", "off-limit" foods due to so many news stories and conversations about red meat being bad, ads for double quarter pounders with cheese, and the idea of the typical fatty high school lunch of burgers and fries sending me into near-panic-attacks about gaining weight.

So, when I read Longacre say that people in the U.S. and Canada need to limit their intake of beef, it is easy for me to rationalize that this statement pertains to me specifically.  It is also easy for me to live out this limitation since I probably eat beef one to two times a year.

But my restriction of beef is not with the altruistic motive of helping people in other countries have access to more protein.  It is based on fear of being fat or unhealthy.  It is just as self-focused as someone who chooses to eat a double quarter pounder with cheese a few times a week.

In Cuba, the government is choosing to restrict beef.  In the U.S., the government chooses not to restrict the overconsumption of beef. 

Restriction and overconsumption (or lack-of-restriction) have the same outcomes:

obsession, numbness, selfishness, greed, sadness, hopelessness

Somewhere between the extremes of having unlimited access to beef and scraping a lightning-charred hunk of beef off a road is a healthy, faithful way to eat and enjoy beef.  And I hope to find it one day.


*By the way, this recipe was amazing, and I enjoyed the little bite of beef that I allowed myself.

Beans with Sweet-Sour Sauce

Recipe #4: p. 99,Beans with Sweet-Sour Sauce--Helen E. Reiger, Newton, Kansas
navy beans
fat
flour
sugar
corn syrup
salt
vinegar

An excerpt from an e-mail I sent to some of my friends:
"I'm preparing to make my next meal from More with Less for my blog, and I am such a cooking novice that I need some help! The recipe calls for 1.5 T of fat.  What do I use?  I don't have leftover fat from meat or anything, so I don't know if I use an olive oil, crisco, butter.  Can any of you help me?"


"Characteristics of anorexia nervosa include self-starvation and a strong fear if being fat." "I'm Like So Fat!" Dianne Neumark-Sztainer p. 11


"Rollie: I feel so fat.
Kathy: You feel fat?  I feel really fat...

When teenagers, particularly teenage girls, engage in fat talk, they're often looking for reassurance...

What does it mean to "feel" fat?  Author Sandra Friedman (When Girls Feel Fat...) correctly states that fat is not a feeling...Unfortunately, dieting won't erase the feeling, because being fat is not the issue."  "I'm Like So Fat! Dianne Neumark-Sztainer p. 59-60


FAT
Talk about a terrible word for a person suffering with Anorexia Nervosa and one with so many meanings, memories, and feelings associated with it.

I distinctly remember in fifth grade beginning my eating disordered thinking.  I had always been an anxious child and had tendencies toward obsessive compulsive behavior, but in the fifth grade my anxieties became centralized in my body.

Many stressors in my life compiled along with actual physical changes related to puberty during that time period, and I began linking my negative feelings with being fat.

"Do I look fat?" was a question that I asked my mom countless times during that time in my life and would ask many other loved ones over the next 15 years.

As you're reading this, you may think: "I've felt fat before," but the feeling is extreme for people with AN, and it leads us to take extreme measures to ensure that we do not become fat or are able to reverse these fat feelings.

The fat feeling used to compel me to restrict food, to exercise a few more minutes, to obsessively plan ways to cut calories, and to imagine how much calmer and happier I would be if I didn't feel fat.

Now that I'm further along in my recovery, fat no longer holds the same power over me as it once did.  I can stand up straight and not "cover" myself with my arms hoping that no one will see my fat.  Fat is not something that I need to avoid or remove from all of my food and from my body.  I am able to look at fat as an ingredient in a recipe instead of as something that I embody.

And for those of you who are wondering, I ended up using a butter-substitute in the recipe, and the family and I all really enjoyed the beans.  We highly recommend them! 

Apple Snack

Recipe #2: Apple Snack p. 306
Peel, core, and halve apples.  Shred apples coarsely and put on buttered cookie sheet.  Bake until dry.

Confession #1: Recipe #2 was doomed to fail from the beginning.

I chose to make a snack instead of a dinner food this week because I knew we were having friends over to play a board game. It was also a decision I made based on eating disordered reasons.  I chose a recipe with the least amount of ingredients that I could find and then planned to eliminate even some of those.

So, going into this recipe with the intention of altering it, it's no wonder that it did not turn out well.  I just now realized that I didn't even prepare the apples correctly.

The recipe gives the following steps:
1. Peel.
2. Core.
3. Halve.
4. Shred.
5. Put on buttered cookie sheet.
6. Bake until dry.
7. Store in air-tight container.

This is what I did:
1. Core with apple slicer that cuts 8 slices.
2. Peel.
3. Oops, already cut them into slices
4. Shred--How on earth do you coarsely shred apples?  I tried a carrot shredder and a cheese grater.
5. Put on toaster oven tray.--I decided not to use the full-size oven.
6. Bake until tired of checking on the soggy mess.
7. There's no way I'm trying this or keeping the leftovers.

I told Matt and our friends that the apples weren't going to turn out very well, and they didn't have to try them. My friends graciously tried them, but Matt didn't.

Matt asked if I followed the recipe, and I immediately got defensive, felt guilty, and was angry with him for interfering.  My friend asked if I had put the butter on the tray.  Then, she asked if I had sprayed the tray to keep the apples from sticking.

I hadn't.  I know the label says the fat free cooking sprays have zero calories and zero fat, but there's a little note that says one of the ingredients adds a trivial amount of fat.  Therefore, my AN brain won, and I didn't spray the tray.

Matt responded that of course it didn't work without the butter.  My immediate response to that comment was to ask him if he was mad at me. 

My guests and Matt were gracious and kind for my failed apple snacks.

Confession #2:  I think I had already decided to find a way to not eat this recipe and therefore sabotaged it. 

When the apples didn't turn out perfectly, it seemed like an easy excuse to not try them.  Unfortunately, my kind friends tried them, and one even said it was like apple pie.  It's hard to justify not trying them after that.

I knew the apples weren't inedible, and they actually smelled pretty good.  But I told myself they weren't good, therefore I didn't have to eat them.  My justification in my head was that I already restrict and punish myself with food, so I refused to "waste" any of my calories on something that didn't look great and I didn't feel like eating. Therefore, I consciously chose not to try them.

Lesson #1:
Matt jokingly reminded me that the cookbook is already called More-with-Less.  He old me that I don't need to take out any ingredients because it's not like a mainstream cookbook asking me to add a bunch of junk to the recipe.  If the recipe calls for butter or onions, then use butter or onions.

The lesson here for me is that I do not need to be in charge.  I can trust the cookbook and the people with whom I will share the fellowship of the table.  I do not need to alter the recipe to "protect" myself from fat or ingredients that I may or may not like.   

My blog is called http://morewithmuchless.blogspot.com/ because that has been my worldview and decision-making motto, but I don't want to continue living from that paradigm.

Lesson #2:
I need to find a different way to decide what recipe I will cook next week.  I had already chosen one based on my previous requirements of:
1. Very few ingredients with very few calories or fat
2. Something that I can alter in some way

I have decided to choose three different recipes that I would actually like to try and then have Matt chose the order that I cook them for the next few weeks.

Broccoli Rice

Part of the quote from Raymond Sokolov that introduces the topic of Main Dishes with Rice on p. 125:
    "In the short term, there is probably nothing anyone can do to forestall mass starvation in some
    rice-dependent areas.  But the very least we can do is to take a symbolic stand and cook rice with
    reverence...Perhaps we could even inaugurate our own rice ritual: a moment of silence for those
    who are not getting enough."

I wish that my thoughts about rice included reverence and a moment of silence for people who are not getting enough to eat.  That is my hope for future times of rice-cooking.

But last week and yesterday, my mind was ruminating on more mundane and eating disordered thoughts, mixed with glimmers of hope and excitement.

Now to the recipe:
The idea for this Blog came about through discussions over the years with my husband and took shape more specifically over Christmas vacation 2012.  I even picked out this recipe much earlier this year.  I chose it based on the ease of preparation and the relatively few and low-anxiety-causing ingredients.

It just took me awhile to get the courage to actually begin the process of cooking from this cookbook.  It also took me a little while longer to be completely sick of my diet of bread and yogurt!

This is what I decided to make:

Recipe #1: p. 128 Broccoli Rice

Sauté in small skillet:
    margarine
    chopped onion
Add:
    broccoli, cooked and drained
    grated cheese
    milk
    cooked rice
Bake for 45 minutes.


Back to the running commentary this past week and yesterday as I prepared to make the first recipe:

Last week: I have the option of just preparing the recipes and not actually eating them.  The challenge I posed on the blog says nothing specifically about me actually eating the food.

Last week: If I do eat it, I can just really overestimate the amount of calories in it, so that I will end up eating less calories than my regular diet.

Sunday night and Monday morning: I need to stop at the store and get skim milk because all we have left is 1 percent, and I don't want those additional 10 calories in the recipe.  I know that those 10 calories are going to get split between the whole recipe, and I'm only going to have a tiny bite, if any, but if I can get away with having less calories in it, then I will.  I'm also not going to do the part with margarine and onions because I don't like onions (or margarine because it adds fat to the recipe).

Monday 10:15 AM: I feel guilty that I am stopping at the store after teaching my class because I didn't ask Matt if he minded if I was 10 minutes later coming home.  I can justify it by saying that he encourages me to not ask his permission to do things that I need or want to do.

Monday 10:16 AM: Now that I'm in the store to get the milk, I notice that the small containers of yogurt that I'm trying to buy less of are on sale at this store.  But I don't have a basket or a cart...I can go get one...but then I'll be even later.  I'll just carry as many as I can and grab the milk on the way out.

Monday 10:28 AM: I feel guilty that I'm trying to get in the house and put away the groceries before Matt notices that I stopped at the store, but I know that I'm also going to tell him that I stopped.  I just don't want him to see that I bought more yogurt for me and feel disappointed in me.

Monday 1:00 PM: I feel like I should use nap time to cook this meal so that I'm not rushing at the end and in case anything goes wrong.

Monday 1:05 PM: Right now, I feel excited about cooking, and I plan to eat a small bite.  I feel strong and courageous.

Monday 1:07 PM: I feel pretty dumb that I'm looking up how to cut and cook broccoli on my Kindle.

Monday 1:10 PM: I feel energetic, enthusiastic, idealistic.  I should cook like this everyday!

Monday 1:30 PM: I notice a burning smell, but I think it's probably just water  going down the side of the rice pot.

Monday 1:32 PM: Yep, I burnt the rice.

Monday 1:34 PM: Why on earth did I decide to make this recipe on my busiest day of the week?  I teach, watch another family's baby, tutor (but not this week), and have people over for dinner.  Why did I decide to do this cooking project in the first place?  It's easier and faster to have sandwiches and just do what I know and what feels safe.

Monday 2:00 PM: The house still smells like burnt rice, but at least the broccoli is cooked, and the second pot of rice looks good.  But will the food turn out ok since I'm not going to cook the onions and margarine and then add the other ingredients?  What if I cook it, and it's a disaster?  Will Matt be mad that I changed the recipe?

 Monday 2:15 PM: I'm more obsessive about making sure that I've measured things correctly since I'm planning to eat this than when I make foods for other people.  Correction, I don't measure them correctly; I measure them to ensure that I skimp a little bit on all of the ingredients.  But I hope that the recipe still turns out alright.  I hope it's not a disaster and that I anger or disappoint people. 

Monday 4:00 PM: I don't feel too much anxiety right now thinking about tasting what I made.  I like the smell of the cooked broccoli and rice, and I'm proud of myself for making something new.  I'm also really proud that I didn't spend all week asking Matt to reassure me or make the decision to go ahead and follow-through with cooking the first recipe.  And I'm even more proud that I'm planning to taste it.  I feel kind of excited.

Monday 5:30-6:00 PM: I'm really enjoying the conversation with our friend who is over for dinner.  My mind is surprisingly focused on the conversation, and I am looking forward to trying the broccoli rice.

Monday 6:15 PM: Even though I only have a dollop of plain yogurt and a miniscule bite of broccoli rice on my plate, I feel like part of the fellowship of the meal.  The broccoli rice is pretty good, if I do say so myself!

Monday 7:00 PM: I know that I barely ate enough of the recipe to justify it in my calories for the day, but since I already planned to, and I feel a little anxiety about not counting it, I will adjust my calories for today.  I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't risk trying a little bit more of the broccoli rice or at least more accurately estimating its caloric content.

Monday 7:00-10:00 PM: I'm surprisingly calm, not-obsessive, and really enjoying my evening.

Monday 10:16 PM: Well, I'm going to bed.  I count it a success that I didn't let my negative, obsessive thoughts keep me from following through with preparing and tasting my first recipe.  But did Matt and my friend like the recipe?  Did they notice that I ate any?  Were they proud of me for trying it, or were they disappointed that I didn't risk a bigger challenge?

National Doughnut Day

"Be willing to celebrate.  Around the world, people who must live on monotonous diets still manage an occasional celebration.  Undoubtedly their celebrations bring enjoyment in proportion to how much they vary from the daily routine.

The four Gospels show Jesus entering wholeheartedly into times of joy and feasting.  We celebrate with family and friends when a holiday or special occasion brings us together.  But the fact that in North America we tend to feast nonstop can dull our festive joy.  We feel guilty about a Thanksgiving turkey and trimmings when we have not lived responsibly in the weeks preceding it.  We require more and more trimming to turn any celebration into a meal distinguishable from our daily diet.

A wedding, a daughter or son's homecoming from far away, an aged parent's birthday, Christmas or Easter--food can help express what these days mean to us.  But there are simple ways to turn meals into celebrations.  Hold in clear perspective the reason for celebrating.  Don't expect food to be the total experience.  More with less means affirming faith and relationships as the basis for celebrating, and letting food play a complementary role."
                                 p. 26-27 Doris Janzen Longacre More-with-Less (italics added for emphasis)


 Today is National Doughnut Day.

The only reason I am aware of this holiday is because I heard a short blurb about it on National Public Radio (NPR) the other day.  The story explained how Dunkin' Donuts will begin offering its new sandwich on National Doughnut Day: fried eggs and bacon on a glazed doughnut.

Intrigued by National Doughnut Day, I began my scholarly research via Wikipedia and Google searches to learn about this day and other food days.

Here's what I discovered:
"National Doughnut Day started in 1938^[1] as a fund raiser for Chicago's The Salvation Army. Their goal was to help the needy during the Great Depression, and to honor The Salvation Army "Lassies" of World War I, who served doughnuts to soldiers."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Doughnut_Day

Many countries have specially recognized food days.
Italy has National Espresso Day.
The Netherlands have National Pancake Day.

Depending on which list you look at, the U.S. has somewhere between 175 and over 300 food days.  Some days even have two special foods.  August 2 is National Ice Cream Sandwich day and National Ice Cream Soda Day!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_food_days
http://www.statesymbolsusa.org/National_Symbols/American_Hollidays.html

We have essentially made National Doughnut Day's real meaning irrelevant because we've created so many other pointless days.
The reason for celebrating has been lost.  We don't know that we're supposed to be honoring the women who volunteered with the Salvation Army.  We're just having a doughnut.

And to compound the issue, we're "just having a doughnut" many mornings.   One statistic claims that more than 10 billion doughnuts are eaten every year in the U.S.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_doughnut_get_eaten_each_year

As Longacre pointed out, "celebrations bring enjoyment in proportion to how much they vary from the daily routine."  If we have a doughnut every morning, the celebration is lost when it comes time for National Doughnut Day.

Not only do we not remember the reason we're celebrating, our joy has been dulled so that a regular glazed doughnut won't satisfy.  We have to continually create new exciting doughnuts, like the egg, bacon, glazed doughnut to make the celebration feel any different than a regular day.