Diet soda

This was also where my mind was in August of 2013:

As a person who struggles with anorexia nervosa, I am a master at restricting my food.  Evidenced in a previous post, I understand and embrace a monotonous diet, eating the exact same foods everyday.

But I don't understand and embrace celebrating.

When I first started having symptoms of anorexia nervosa (AN) and restricting my food, I told myself that I was not going to link food and relationships with people.  For me, that meant that I could sit at a table with friends or family and not eat but still fully participate in the relationship and the celebration.

I was going to completely separate food and people.

I've sat at many celebratory tables--Thanksgivings, Christmases, weddings, birthdays--and either did not eat at all or restricted what I did eat.

This idea that I can somehow make food devoid of any meaning is not healthy nor achievable.

By trying to make food not have any meaning for days of celebration, I have effectually made food the most important part of a celebratory day.  I spend most days of the year restricting and not allowing myself food that I would like to have, so when a celebration day comes around, I begin obsessing about all of the foods that I could let myself have.

I fantasize about Subway sandwiches, bananas, fruit, salad, ice cream, bagels with cream cheese, peanut butter.  My mind obsesses about the possibilities, the calories, what I will have to give up to choose one of these other options, the next time that I can let myself have a celebration.

I don't "affirm faith and relationships as the basis for celebrating" (Longacre).

When I do allow myself a food as a way to celebrate, I also co-opt it into my restrictive pattern and turn it into something completely devoid of joy.

Over Christmas, I had my first diet soda.  Before that, I had almost completely restricted soda since high school.

I do enjoy these zero calorie beverages, but I have changed them from a part of a celebratory day, like the last day of school or Christmas vacation, into another part of my system of restricting.

Instead of sitting down with my husband and drinking a diet soda to celebrate our ten year anniversary, I spend the day planning when I will drink it, worrying that caffeine is bad for me, Googling the effects of caffeine, feeling guilty that I spent 50 cents for the diet soda, and feeling sad that I will only have one and wishing that I could have more.

But I further strip any joy out of the experience once I actually drink the diet soda.  I will watch the clock and only drink at certain times, hoping to prolong the enjoyment of the drink, therefore not enjoying the actual celebration.  And wanting to hold onto these feelings of joy and excitement even longer, I will save the diet soda and drink it all week.

This allows me to think about it every day and plan when I will drink it and be excited about getting to drink it and hoping that I will feel the same elation I felt when I was celebrating with people I love.

So, instead of enjoying a nice 15 minute time of sitting with my husband to celebrate our ten year anniversary while I enjoy a diet soda, I will spend the next week guiltily gulping sips of it out of the bottle while I stand in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open.

By trying to make food devoid of any meaning for celebrations, I have made it carry all of the meaning of the day.

We create special food days to try and make a random day like the first Friday in June special.  But everyday can't be, and doesn't need to be, a celebration.  We don't need to cling to a feeling of joy or falsely manufacture days to celebrate.  Life is full of beautiful relationships and amazing faith worth affirming. 

Since I have discovered that food cannot be disentangled from relationships with people and celebrations, I want to re-prioritize what it means for me.  I want it to play a complementary role as I affirm faith and relationships as the basis for celebrating.

Reflections on the word "diet"

Here is something I wrote on August 6, 2013 while working on this blog and before the hiatus and brain re-wire work.

When I encounter the word diet, my mind sometimes follows this trajectory: losing weight, eating less, being healthy, working out, bathing suits, obsession, scale, my stomach feels fat, I am fat, I need to work out more, I should work out right now, How can I eat less today?

Sure, most people have had these thoughts run through their minds.  You're walking through the mall, and you see a display of swimsuits and wish that you were in better shape.  There's an ad on TV for the latest weight loss plan (gimmick), and you entertain the idea of learning more about it or maybe even trying it.

But my mind didn't use to stop with those thoughts.  My mind would latch onto a word, an image, an idea, a thought and not let go of it.

If someone mentioned that they were starting a diet, my mind would eventually lead me to think and believe that I needed to start a diet.  Depending on the day, I may have even convinced myself that the other person had hinted or even suggested that I too needed to go on a diet.

But before I drag you further into the dark creveces of my mind, I want to talk about the word diet. 

I would like to say that I understand and use the word diet as defined on Wikipedia as : "(nutrition), the sum of food consumed by an organism or group," as opposed to the definition of dieting: "the deliberate selection of food to control body weight or nutrient intake.: 

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diet

But I do not feel that I even talk about food in a healthy way, let alone think about, or eat it in a way that promotes health and well-being.

You may argue that it is a game of symantics, that my word choice does not matter.  But to me, it matters immensly.  Using the word "food", "nutrition", or "nutrients" for what I consume can feel as important to me as if someone calls me "white", "anglo", or "American".  These words feel very different as they are applied to me as a person.  The same is true for the words that I use for the stuff that I put in my mouth that I consume to survive.

Come journey with me on the path of re-wiring

I definitely took a hiatus. I'm not sure you can count multiple years as a hiatus, but that is what I called it. Since my last post there have been numerous Lenten seasons, life-altering moments, and many monotonous moments. So goes the life of human beings. I have done some very hard work with re-wiring my brain, which I wrote about a couple of years ago and just posted tonight. I just wanted to say that I am here. I am re-starting my writing. The format and content are changing, but the theme and message will remain the same. My project of cooking through the Mennonite cookbook did end with my last post in 2014, but I have so much to share from my journey to health and recovery. I plan to take you with me on this journey as I share what it was like to re-wire my brain through journal entries from the past few yeas and stories that have shaped my life. Thank you for reading.

Is four years still considered a hiatus?

I wrote this in 2018, and I am now ready to post it:

Wow, four years ago I took a hiatus from this project. From 2014 to the fall of 2015, I was on a slow trajectory of becoming more unhealthy and getting stuck in Anorexia. I am grateful for the people in my life who spoke into this and asked me to get help. I went back to my doctor to do blood work and began the slow and difficult process of re-feeding, yet again. I felt somewhat defeated as I had done this cycle before. But I also felt hopeful because I was doing it more because I wanted to and desired health for myself.

It was a process of re-gaining my physical health as I would still restrict and then reactive eat. I tried Whole 30, and a metabolism diet because I thought I was binging on sugar and thought I might be developing bulimia or a sugar-addiction. I tried the intuitive eating idea after reading the book by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. I made up a food plan that consisted of the exact same foods everyday, with the bulk of my food being a Subway sandwich and cookie. The people at Subway know me and my order. All of these things were me attempting to find a safe way to be healthy, to make my brain less anxious, to feel in control around food. But I was still eating only my foods, and only after 7PM when my kids had gone to bed. And I still wanted to avoid places and things with food.

Then, I rediscovered the blog by Tabitha Farrar in May and have been on a completely new path since then. In the past year, I've been able to express that sometimes my brain feels like I've gotten on the wrong path, I've gotten more anxious and narrow-focused. It's hard not to be obsessed with food and the anxiety surrounding that. When I read Tabitha's blog and book, Rehabilitate, Re-wire, Recover, she confirmed this feeling. Anorexia nervosa is a brain-based mental illness. My brain has been wired to fear food. And when my brain is around food, it shifts into the Parasympapthetic Nervous System, which is fight or flight. My brain was usually screaming at me to get away from food, to get it out of my house, to get it away from my husband and kids. Farrar explains that this was probably originally a mechanism that some people had during the days of migration. A person whose brain was wired with anorexia would go into migrate mode when put into nutritional depletion. So, I would have been the person that told the others to put the food down and move to a new area where the food was plentiful when we were running out of food or the herd was moving. All of this really resonated with me: the extreme fear around food and wanting to move away from it and get it out. I recognized all of these behaviors in myself.

But I had been going about recovery completely wrong. I thought that to feel safe around food, I had to completely control it. I asked my husband not to buy foods that I thought I would eat without control. I used to call these binges but have since learned that if I have a restrictive eating disorder, these are not binges. They are reactive eating experiences in response to restricting. So, I would try and eat only foods that I deemed safe. And these safe foods and safe experiences have changed so many times over the 20 years that anorexia has been activated in my brain. My brain always found a new way to change and adapt, so that I would continue restricting and be ready to migrate. But during the days of migration, the restriction served a short-term purpose to get the group to migrate to abundant food. And then people ate, and there wasn't nutritional inadequacy anymore. But for me, I kept going back to the restrictive and depleted nutritional state.

And when I would allow myself to eat unrestricted, it was still while in the Parasympathetic Nervous System. My brain and body were still aroused and anxious, and I was continuing to dig the trenches in the channels of my brain that said food is to be feared. And when you do have the foods that your body is asking for, you end up eating them in a quantity that is past satisfaction.

I started reading Farrar's book about re-wiring in May, 2018 and realized that to recover, I had to do all of the things that my brain is afraid to do. My brain is wired to fear food. I can re-wire it to not be afraid of food.

Some people may read this and misunderstand what I am describing with the general cultural hatred of fat and gaining weight. They are two separate issues, both worth addressing, and both very serious. A culture obsessed with weight, and food lifestyles, and ethical eating, and prolonging our lives, and our outward appearances creates an environment that is easy for eating disorders to get activated in those people pre-disposed to them. But there are many people who will go on diets and lose weight who do not have eating disorders, and their brains will not then be wired to fear food. Food will not become a threat to be avoided.

Here's an example to share how an anorexic brain responds to a food that it believes to be a threat. In May, 2018 we had teacher appreciation week. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to have candy or other sugar foods in my box or in the teacher's break room. One morning, I was teaching a reading lesson in a small group, and an e-mail popped up that said "Donuts in the break room". It was instantaneous. I read it. My brain perceive a threat, and I went into full-on, high alert, fight-or-flight mode. I was trying to plan the rest of my day to avoid walking anywhere near that room.

Ten-Minute All-In-One Meal

Recipe #9: p. 143, Ten-Minute All-In-One Meal--Flo Harnish, Akron, Pennsylvania

whole wheat bread
tomato
onion
hard cheese

This meal was very simple and very fast.  It tasted good and can be eaten with a fork or fingers!

I closed my previous blog with this statement: We do not live in isolation, but we act as if we do, which leads to lack of empathy, which in turn leads to violence.  To counter this destructive chain, we must actively seek to follow Jesus and his example of empathy and compassion towards others.

I left readers with a challenge to actively seek to follow Jesus, and now I would like to offer ways that this can be accomplished through Mennonite Central Committee's Relief Sales and Penny for Power campaigns.

Information about Mennonite Relief Sales:
Beginning in the late 1950’s, Mennonite Relief Sales began for the purpose of raising funds to support the projects and programs of Mennonite Central Committee, a worldwide ministry of Anabaptist churches. MCC shares God's love and compassion for all in the name of Christ by responding to basic human needs and working for peace and justice. Forty three relief sale events in the U.S. and Canada raise over five million dollars annually. Sale events are hosted by  local communities with the help of thousands of  hundreds volunteers who contributing their time and resources. Relief sales today are festive events, enjoyed by large crowds that come for the food, fellowship and  opportunity to support the relief, development and peace work of MCC. Attendees can purchase  hand crafted quilts, wood products and a variety of other donated items. Some events include fun-runs, music and childrens activities.  Learn more about relief sale locations and how you can get involved by browsing through web page. http://reliefsales.mcc.org/aboutus

More resources about MCC relief sales and food and water shortages around the world:
http://reliefsales.mcc.org/

Every five seconds a child dies because he or she is hungry.
https://resources.mcc.org/sites/default/files/site-configuration/field_attachment/Foodbasket_GivingCalendar.pdf

Did you know people can survive 2 months without food, but will die in 3 days without water?
https://resources.mcc.org/sites/default/files/site-configuration/field_attachment/MCCWaterWorks_GivingCalendar.pdf

Guest Blog from: Anneliese of mennonitegirlscancook.ca

Michelle Porter's introduction:
I discovered the blog http://www.mennonitegirlscancook.ca/ and really enjoy the idea of Mennonite recipes being shared in a blog and now in a cookbook.  

The contributors describe their blog in the following way:
We are a group of ten women who share recipes and and our faith, with a purpose, inspiring hospitality while using our resources to help needy people around the world.  A simple recipe blog that started to document our family favorite recipes began in 2008 has resulted in two cookbooks.
Mennonite Girls Can Cook .. . is more than just recipes. We encourage you to think about HOSPITALITY versus entertaining. Our hope is that you find the joy in BLESSING versus impressing.  Our recipes are about taking God's bounty, and co-creating the goodness from God's creation into something that we can use to bless family, friends and those who need a caring meal.  We take everyday ingredients to make recipes which will nourish, provide energy and delight our taste buds. 

 http://www.mennonitegirlscancook.ca/p/about-us.html

I contacted the women with a list of ideas about food, faith, being Mennonite, and eating disorders, and Anneliese found one of my questions intriguing and has written a guest blog.  

I appreciate her thoughtful response and hope that it encourages continued dialogue about eating disorders, food, and faith.

Food and Faith

Question: How did growing up in a Russian Mennonite family affect your relationship to food? Did your family come from a history of shortage? If so, how does that affect how you view food consumption/restriction now?

From Anneliese of mennonitegirlscancook.ca

 

Growing up in a Mennonite home I knew that my mom would always have something prepared for meals. Even when she worked full-time, I never heard an excuse coming from her, saying she did not have time to cook.  There was not a lazy bone in her, the biblical meaning of which was lived out in both of my parents’ lives. She made things from scratch as much as possible, ever conscious of the cost of prepared foods. She prepared ahead by having keeping basic ingredients in the house, making soups, baking breads and preparing home-made food to pack for lunches. We did not grow up with snacking foods, when the meal was served we were hungry and the food was nourishing. Mealtimes were family times. We waited for each other and talked about our day. It was a time to connect.

My father and my grandmother went through food shortage and hunger in Russia during the war and later, in Germany, after the war. My father had to look for food in trash cans and my grandmother shared with me how her health suffered from lack of sugar and butter. I often take her words into consideration now, with the talk of how both are not good for you. The fact that hunger was something very real to my father played a big part in how he raised us. We were not allowed to complain about food and we were not allowed to throw food from our plate into the garbage. We were taught to give thanks for our food and to be grateful for full tummies.

This brings me to something I consider to be important in my view of food, be it consumption or restriction. I believe that the giving of thanks for what God has given plays a vital role in how food affects us. When we realize food is a gift from the One who provides for our needs, we will be careful about how we handle it. We will not try to find fault with it unnecessarily, be it the ever fluctuating views about foods or just plain pickiness, which shows ungratefulness. I believe that the giving of thanks can bless food to cleanse it in instances where we have no choice. There are times I question some of today’s dietary restrictions and where they are coming from. Obviously there are situations where it is very important to follow a certain diet, but sometimes our self induced diets can lead to a life of problems, stemming from some form of worry or ungratefulness, which is exactly where the enemy of our souls would have us be. So let us give thanks to Him who made the world along with the food we eat and blessed it, proclaiming it to be good.

Exodus 23: 25

“Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you.”

1 Timothy 4:4

“For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.”

Quick Chocolate Pudding

Recipe #8: p. 264, Quick Chocolate Pudding, Grace Whitehead, Kokomo, Indiana

sugar or honey
cornstarch
cocoa
milk
vanilla
margarine (optional)

"After being diagnosed with cancer, Doris started keeping a journal. Some of the entries addressed the writing of Living More with Less, and her frustration with how her illness prevented her from working on the manuscript."

"Journal Entry—November 4, 1979 (written from Hershey Medical center)
I so much want to complete this book, one of the creative works of my life. But weighed in the balance against more time with Paul, Cara, and Marta, (husband and daughters) the book is like a dry dandelion ready to blow. But I shouldn't have to make such choices. If I get well enough to work on the book I will have time with my family."

 "Doris died quietly, peaceably, and surrounded by family on November 10, 1979, the manuscript not yet completed.
But the unfinished manuscript itself may be symbolic. The task of living responsible is never finished. In her preface to the More-with-Less Cookbook Doris describes the search for more responsible eating as a "kind of holy frustration." This holy frustration for more-with-less living needs to continue in our households, travel, recreation, and church life."
http://www.heraldpress.com/Bios/Longacre/journal.html 

Doris kept a list of things she felt were the frivolities of life—things one should not let get in the way of the enjoyment of living.
Life is too short to ice cakes; cakes are good without icing.
Life is too short to read all the church periodicals.
Life is too short not to write regularly to your parents.
Life is too short to eat factory baked bread.
Life is too short to keep all your floors shiny.
Life is too short to let a day pass without hugging your spouse and each of your children.
Life is too short to nurse grudges and hurt feelings.
Life is too short to worry about getting ready for Christmas; just let Christmas come.
Life is too short to spend much money on neckties and earrings.
Life is too short for nosy questions like "How do you like your new pastor?" Or—if there’s been a death—"How is he taking it?"
Life is too short to be gone from home more than a few nights a week.
Life is too short not to take a nap when you need one.
Life is too short to care whether purses match shoes or towels match bathrooms.
Life is too short to stay indoors when the trees turn color in fall, when it snows, or when the spring blossoms come out.
Life is too short to miss the call to worship on a Sunday morning.
Life is too short for bedspreads that are too fancy to sleep under.
Life is too short to work in a room without windows.
Life is too short to put off Bible study.
Life is too short to put off improving our relationships with the people we live with.
 http://www.heraldpress.com/Bios/Longacre/

If anyone is following my posts, you may have noticed that I skipped from Recipe #6 to Recipe #8.  I have already made Recipe #7, but this one feels more timely.

Today, my daughter turns three years old, and I made chocolate pudding for her birthday.  The recipe called for very few ingredients, and the instructions were very simple: Combine ingredients.  Cook.  Stir constantly unti thickened.

This sounded simple enough, and, in reality, it was.  I just did not have realistic expectations for how long it takes for pudding to thicken.

I really enjoy stirring pots of cooking food, and I always have.  I have fond memories of stirring pots of sauce or holiday foods when my family was cooking.

And the process of watching cornstarch turn powder and liquid materials into a thickened substance, was really quite intriguing for me.

But it took forty-five minutes of constant stirring for my Quick Chocolate Pudding to thicken.  Those were forty-five minutes that I could have been reading a book with my daughter, or tickling her, or telling her stories about her first three years of life.

While I agree with Longacre, that Americans in general overeat sugar and processed foods (More-with-Less p. 21), I also believe that she is correct when she says, "There is not just one way to respond, nor is there a single answer to the world's food problem.  It may not be within our capacity to effect an answer.  But it is within our capacity to search for a faithful response" (More-with-Less p. 13).

This search for a faithful response must also take into Longacre's list of Life is too short...

And for me, life might just be too short to make my own pudding in the future.

Six-Layer Dish

Recipe #5: p. 137, Six-Layer Dish--Bonnie Zook, Leola, PA; Martha Buckwalter, Lancaster, PA; Fern Lehman, Kidron, OH

potatos
carrots
uncooked rice
onions
ground beef
canned tomatoes
brown sugar



"Much of the what's-wrong-with-us material relating to world food needs centers on overconsumption of protein.  While protein is widely lacking in poorer countries, most people in Candada and the United States eat much more than necessary.
    Much of the protein we eat, in contrast to poorer nations, comes from meat, milk, and eggs.  Beef cattle are poor converters of grain to food protein." More-with-Less, p. 20-21


 http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2004-03-18/news/0403180191_1_pedro-alvarez-cattle-cuban-economy

"In communist Cuba, only the state is allowed to slaughter cattle and sell the meat. Citizens who kill a cow--even if they raised it themselves--can get a 10-year prison sentence. Anyone who transports or sells a poached animal can get locked up for 8 years.
"My brother-in-law got a 12-year prison sentence for killing 12 cows," said an accountant who lives in the cattle-raising region.
But it's not unheard of for Cubans to sneak into a pasture at night and butcher a cow on the spot. Residents have been known to descend on a cow struck by lightning, carving it up in minutes even though the meat often is charred and they risk a fine if caught by police.
The same thing can happen if a cow is hit by a car or dies of illness or malnutrition, in giving birth or of old age, even though residents admit the law requires them to leave the carcass alone and notify local officials."


Last week, I cooked this Six-Layer-Dish that had one pound of ground beef for 4 people.

Recently, I learned about the rarity of beef for Cubans.

Granted, Communist Cuba does not accurately reflect the same realities of all of the poorer countries in the world, it does highlight the extremes with regards to protein-consumption between the U.S./Canada and many poorer countries.

As a person who has battled Anorexia Nervosa (AN) for years, beef has been for me one of my "scary", "off-limit" foods due to so many news stories and conversations about red meat being bad, ads for double quarter pounders with cheese, and the idea of the typical fatty high school lunch of burgers and fries sending me into near-panic-attacks about gaining weight.

So, when I read Longacre say that people in the U.S. and Canada need to limit their intake of beef, it is easy for me to rationalize that this statement pertains to me specifically.  It is also easy for me to live out this limitation since I probably eat beef one to two times a year.

But my restriction of beef is not with the altruistic motive of helping people in other countries have access to more protein.  It is based on fear of being fat or unhealthy.  It is just as self-focused as someone who chooses to eat a double quarter pounder with cheese a few times a week.

In Cuba, the government is choosing to restrict beef.  In the U.S., the government chooses not to restrict the overconsumption of beef. 

Restriction and overconsumption (or lack-of-restriction) have the same outcomes:

obsession, numbness, selfishness, greed, sadness, hopelessness

Somewhere between the extremes of having unlimited access to beef and scraping a lightning-charred hunk of beef off a road is a healthy, faithful way to eat and enjoy beef.  And I hope to find it one day.


*By the way, this recipe was amazing, and I enjoyed the little bite of beef that I allowed myself.

Garden Salad

Recipe #3: p. 248, Garden Salad
shredded carrots
diced cauliflower
frozen peas or chick-peas
chopped celery
chopped tomatoes
chopped cucumbers
chopped lettuce
roasted sunflower seeds

"Good cooks don't need many salad recipes.  The best salads are simple collections of raw vegetables with only a light touch of dressing."
                       --Longacre p. 243

I am definitely NOT a good cook.  There is potential for me to be a good cook one day, but for years my battle with Anorexia Nervosa (AN) has always limited my chef-abilities.  Therefore, I will include the Salads section in my adventure in cooking through the More-with-Less cookbook.

Last week, plans changed unexpectedly on the day I intended to make this salad, and as is true for many people who suffer with Eating Disorders (ED), change can cause me anxiety.

In the past, my main means of dealing with stress, anxiety, anger, tension, and any other feeling that I deemed as "negative" was to restrict my food or work out extra.  Now that I actively seek recovery and reconciliation in my life and with my body, these are not my main coping mechanisms.

But sometimes I still try to control situations that cause me some anxiety by manipulating food and my menu.  I decided that it was too complicated to try and make a recipe on my usual day of Monday and told myself that I would make two recipes this week.

As usual, my intentions were good, and I even had the ingredients for both recipes.  But by Sunday night, I had allowed options for other meals to enter my mind.  Once I allow myself to think about changing a meal or eliminating calories or adding a few more minutes of exercise, it's as if it is then something that I have to do.  It morphs from a possibility to a requirement.

So, Monday morning it no longer felt like an option to make two recipes.  And it even seemed silly and irrational.  I told myself that no one is really following this Blog very closely and won't know if I made a recipe last week or not.  I told myself that Monday is my busiest day of the week, and it would be too stressful to try and do a second recipe. I told myself that it would be easier to just eat the garden salad that I had already made on Sunday and not have to think about trying two new foods at one meal.


 Unlike with recipe #2, Apple Snack, I had already decided that I would actually eat this salad and had even decided that I would eat one piece of each ingredient that was in it instead of only eating the ones that I have arbitrarily labeled as "safe" for me to eat.

At 6:00 our friends arrived, I had already heated the baked potatoes and black beans, and I felt very little anxiety about eating my garden salad.  I did have guilt and feelings of failure that I hadn't followed through with making the new bean recipe that I had planned to make, but by the time I sat down at the table, I had allowed myself some grace and moved on.  The conversation was fun, I liked the salad, and our four kids all played well.  After they left, I enjoyed watching a little TV and reading, and then I went to bed.

Tuesday morning, I didn't work out extra or more intensely, and I didn't spend the whole day trying to figure out how to "undo" the calories that I had eaten the day before. 
 
I can tell that I am further along in recovery  because a situation like this would have seemed virtually impossible for me a few years ago: eating something not labeled with a calorie-amount, not obsessing about what I was eating while I was eating it, showing myself grace when I didn't do something as well as I could have, and not obsessing about something I had done and trying to make up for it later.

But being further along in recovery has also been my excuse in the past for not continuing to move forward.  I justify to myself, and people around me, that I did something different, I took a risk, I ate "more".  It has been a way for me to do something but not really do anything at the same time.  It allows me to stay stuck.

I was reminded this week as I started reading The Life Model--Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, that recovery is not something that I can achieve on my own just because I am working really hard.  As the authors say, "The time-honored Christian approach to pain and wholeness involves our activity as well as God's: His work in us is to bring redemption to all of that traumas that have broken us, and our work is to strive for maturity as we progress to wholeness." p. 16-17

My prayer for today is that I allow God to bring redemption to the pain I have experienced and caused due to the AN as I work to mature in my faith and relationships as I move toward wholeness.

Apple Snack

Recipe #2: Apple Snack p. 306
Peel, core, and halve apples.  Shred apples coarsely and put on buttered cookie sheet.  Bake until dry.

Confession #1: Recipe #2 was doomed to fail from the beginning.

I chose to make a snack instead of a dinner food this week because I knew we were having friends over to play a board game. It was also a decision I made based on eating disordered reasons.  I chose a recipe with the least amount of ingredients that I could find and then planned to eliminate even some of those.

So, going into this recipe with the intention of altering it, it's no wonder that it did not turn out well.  I just now realized that I didn't even prepare the apples correctly.

The recipe gives the following steps:
1. Peel.
2. Core.
3. Halve.
4. Shred.
5. Put on buttered cookie sheet.
6. Bake until dry.
7. Store in air-tight container.

This is what I did:
1. Core with apple slicer that cuts 8 slices.
2. Peel.
3. Oops, already cut them into slices
4. Shred--How on earth do you coarsely shred apples?  I tried a carrot shredder and a cheese grater.
5. Put on toaster oven tray.--I decided not to use the full-size oven.
6. Bake until tired of checking on the soggy mess.
7. There's no way I'm trying this or keeping the leftovers.

I told Matt and our friends that the apples weren't going to turn out very well, and they didn't have to try them. My friends graciously tried them, but Matt didn't.

Matt asked if I followed the recipe, and I immediately got defensive, felt guilty, and was angry with him for interfering.  My friend asked if I had put the butter on the tray.  Then, she asked if I had sprayed the tray to keep the apples from sticking.

I hadn't.  I know the label says the fat free cooking sprays have zero calories and zero fat, but there's a little note that says one of the ingredients adds a trivial amount of fat.  Therefore, my AN brain won, and I didn't spray the tray.

Matt responded that of course it didn't work without the butter.  My immediate response to that comment was to ask him if he was mad at me. 

My guests and Matt were gracious and kind for my failed apple snacks.

Confession #2:  I think I had already decided to find a way to not eat this recipe and therefore sabotaged it. 

When the apples didn't turn out perfectly, it seemed like an easy excuse to not try them.  Unfortunately, my kind friends tried them, and one even said it was like apple pie.  It's hard to justify not trying them after that.

I knew the apples weren't inedible, and they actually smelled pretty good.  But I told myself they weren't good, therefore I didn't have to eat them.  My justification in my head was that I already restrict and punish myself with food, so I refused to "waste" any of my calories on something that didn't look great and I didn't feel like eating. Therefore, I consciously chose not to try them.

Lesson #1:
Matt jokingly reminded me that the cookbook is already called More-with-Less.  He old me that I don't need to take out any ingredients because it's not like a mainstream cookbook asking me to add a bunch of junk to the recipe.  If the recipe calls for butter or onions, then use butter or onions.

The lesson here for me is that I do not need to be in charge.  I can trust the cookbook and the people with whom I will share the fellowship of the table.  I do not need to alter the recipe to "protect" myself from fat or ingredients that I may or may not like.   

My blog is called http://morewithmuchless.blogspot.com/ because that has been my worldview and decision-making motto, but I don't want to continue living from that paradigm.

Lesson #2:
I need to find a different way to decide what recipe I will cook next week.  I had already chosen one based on my previous requirements of:
1. Very few ingredients with very few calories or fat
2. Something that I can alter in some way

I have decided to choose three different recipes that I would actually like to try and then have Matt chose the order that I cook them for the next few weeks.

"The Fellowship of the Table"

Sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting a sequel to the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Rings.  This is actually a section heading in Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together published in 1954.

As I said in an earlier post, the idea behind the More-with-Less cookbook is to find ways to faithfully share our table and food, in the literal and metaphorical sense.  I've put together some quotes from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German theologian, and Longacre.

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dietrich_Bonhoeffer

These quotes do not need me to expound upon them other than to say that as a Mennonite and someone who struggles with AN, I hope to find ways to faithfully eat my own daily bread, share my daily bread with others at my table, and remember that Jesus Christ is the Eternal daily bread for all.

Bonhoeffer, p. 67
"Every mealtime fills Christians with gratitude for the living, present Lord and God, Jesus Christ.  Not that they seek any morbid spiritualization of material gifts; on the contrary, Christians, in their wholehearted joy in the good gifts of this physical life, acknowledge their Lord as the true giver of all good gifts; and beyond this, as the true Gift; the true Bread of life itself; and finally, as the One who is calling them to the banquet of the Kingdom of God.  So in a singular way, the daily table fellowship binds the Christians to their Lord and one another."

Bonhoeffer, p. 68
"The table fellowship of Christians implies obligation.  It is our daily bread that we eat, not my own.  We share our bread.  Thus we are firmly bound to one another not only in the Spirit but in our whole physical being.  The one bread that is given to our fellowship links us together in a firm covenant.  Now none dares go hungry as long as another has bread, and he who breaks this fellowship of the physical life also breaks the fellowship of the Spirit."

 Longacre, p. 25
"As Christians dealing with human hurts, we have to remind ourselves again and again that we are not called to be successful, but to be faithful.  Our first directions come from the way Jesus told us to live, not from what we think will work...Wayne North, then a Mennonite pastor, made his point in an editorial entitled 'Can We Really Help Hunger?... For however they may have felt, the disciples responded in obedience.  They shared what was available.  Though it seemed totally inadequate, they brought the little lunch for distribution.  Their act of faith was to share and let God take responsibility for the rest."

 Bonhoeffer, p. 69
"So long as we eat our  bread together we shall have sufficient even with the least.  Not until one person desires to keep his own bread for himself does hunger ensue.  This is a strange divine law.  May not the story of the miraculous feeding of the five thousand with two fishes and five loaves, have, along with many others, this meaning also?
    The fellowship of the table teaches Christians that here they still eat the perishable bread of the earthly pilgrimage.  But if they share this bread with one another, they shall also one day receive the imperishable bread together in the Father's house."

Broccoli Rice

Part of the quote from Raymond Sokolov that introduces the topic of Main Dishes with Rice on p. 125:
    "In the short term, there is probably nothing anyone can do to forestall mass starvation in some
    rice-dependent areas.  But the very least we can do is to take a symbolic stand and cook rice with
    reverence...Perhaps we could even inaugurate our own rice ritual: a moment of silence for those
    who are not getting enough."

I wish that my thoughts about rice included reverence and a moment of silence for people who are not getting enough to eat.  That is my hope for future times of rice-cooking.

But last week and yesterday, my mind was ruminating on more mundane and eating disordered thoughts, mixed with glimmers of hope and excitement.

Now to the recipe:
The idea for this Blog came about through discussions over the years with my husband and took shape more specifically over Christmas vacation 2012.  I even picked out this recipe much earlier this year.  I chose it based on the ease of preparation and the relatively few and low-anxiety-causing ingredients.

It just took me awhile to get the courage to actually begin the process of cooking from this cookbook.  It also took me a little while longer to be completely sick of my diet of bread and yogurt!

This is what I decided to make:

Recipe #1: p. 128 Broccoli Rice

Sauté in small skillet:
    margarine
    chopped onion
Add:
    broccoli, cooked and drained
    grated cheese
    milk
    cooked rice
Bake for 45 minutes.


Back to the running commentary this past week and yesterday as I prepared to make the first recipe:

Last week: I have the option of just preparing the recipes and not actually eating them.  The challenge I posed on the blog says nothing specifically about me actually eating the food.

Last week: If I do eat it, I can just really overestimate the amount of calories in it, so that I will end up eating less calories than my regular diet.

Sunday night and Monday morning: I need to stop at the store and get skim milk because all we have left is 1 percent, and I don't want those additional 10 calories in the recipe.  I know that those 10 calories are going to get split between the whole recipe, and I'm only going to have a tiny bite, if any, but if I can get away with having less calories in it, then I will.  I'm also not going to do the part with margarine and onions because I don't like onions (or margarine because it adds fat to the recipe).

Monday 10:15 AM: I feel guilty that I am stopping at the store after teaching my class because I didn't ask Matt if he minded if I was 10 minutes later coming home.  I can justify it by saying that he encourages me to not ask his permission to do things that I need or want to do.

Monday 10:16 AM: Now that I'm in the store to get the milk, I notice that the small containers of yogurt that I'm trying to buy less of are on sale at this store.  But I don't have a basket or a cart...I can go get one...but then I'll be even later.  I'll just carry as many as I can and grab the milk on the way out.

Monday 10:28 AM: I feel guilty that I'm trying to get in the house and put away the groceries before Matt notices that I stopped at the store, but I know that I'm also going to tell him that I stopped.  I just don't want him to see that I bought more yogurt for me and feel disappointed in me.

Monday 1:00 PM: I feel like I should use nap time to cook this meal so that I'm not rushing at the end and in case anything goes wrong.

Monday 1:05 PM: Right now, I feel excited about cooking, and I plan to eat a small bite.  I feel strong and courageous.

Monday 1:07 PM: I feel pretty dumb that I'm looking up how to cut and cook broccoli on my Kindle.

Monday 1:10 PM: I feel energetic, enthusiastic, idealistic.  I should cook like this everyday!

Monday 1:30 PM: I notice a burning smell, but I think it's probably just water  going down the side of the rice pot.

Monday 1:32 PM: Yep, I burnt the rice.

Monday 1:34 PM: Why on earth did I decide to make this recipe on my busiest day of the week?  I teach, watch another family's baby, tutor (but not this week), and have people over for dinner.  Why did I decide to do this cooking project in the first place?  It's easier and faster to have sandwiches and just do what I know and what feels safe.

Monday 2:00 PM: The house still smells like burnt rice, but at least the broccoli is cooked, and the second pot of rice looks good.  But will the food turn out ok since I'm not going to cook the onions and margarine and then add the other ingredients?  What if I cook it, and it's a disaster?  Will Matt be mad that I changed the recipe?

 Monday 2:15 PM: I'm more obsessive about making sure that I've measured things correctly since I'm planning to eat this than when I make foods for other people.  Correction, I don't measure them correctly; I measure them to ensure that I skimp a little bit on all of the ingredients.  But I hope that the recipe still turns out alright.  I hope it's not a disaster and that I anger or disappoint people. 

Monday 4:00 PM: I don't feel too much anxiety right now thinking about tasting what I made.  I like the smell of the cooked broccoli and rice, and I'm proud of myself for making something new.  I'm also really proud that I didn't spend all week asking Matt to reassure me or make the decision to go ahead and follow-through with cooking the first recipe.  And I'm even more proud that I'm planning to taste it.  I feel kind of excited.

Monday 5:30-6:00 PM: I'm really enjoying the conversation with our friend who is over for dinner.  My mind is surprisingly focused on the conversation, and I am looking forward to trying the broccoli rice.

Monday 6:15 PM: Even though I only have a dollop of plain yogurt and a miniscule bite of broccoli rice on my plate, I feel like part of the fellowship of the meal.  The broccoli rice is pretty good, if I do say so myself!

Monday 7:00 PM: I know that I barely ate enough of the recipe to justify it in my calories for the day, but since I already planned to, and I feel a little anxiety about not counting it, I will adjust my calories for today.  I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't risk trying a little bit more of the broccoli rice or at least more accurately estimating its caloric content.

Monday 7:00-10:00 PM: I'm surprisingly calm, not-obsessive, and really enjoying my evening.

Monday 10:16 PM: Well, I'm going to bed.  I count it a success that I didn't let my negative, obsessive thoughts keep me from following through with preparing and tasting my first recipe.  But did Matt and my friend like the recipe?  Did they notice that I ate any?  Were they proud of me for trying it, or were they disappointed that I didn't risk a bigger challenge?

National Doughnut Day

"Be willing to celebrate.  Around the world, people who must live on monotonous diets still manage an occasional celebration.  Undoubtedly their celebrations bring enjoyment in proportion to how much they vary from the daily routine.

The four Gospels show Jesus entering wholeheartedly into times of joy and feasting.  We celebrate with family and friends when a holiday or special occasion brings us together.  But the fact that in North America we tend to feast nonstop can dull our festive joy.  We feel guilty about a Thanksgiving turkey and trimmings when we have not lived responsibly in the weeks preceding it.  We require more and more trimming to turn any celebration into a meal distinguishable from our daily diet.

A wedding, a daughter or son's homecoming from far away, an aged parent's birthday, Christmas or Easter--food can help express what these days mean to us.  But there are simple ways to turn meals into celebrations.  Hold in clear perspective the reason for celebrating.  Don't expect food to be the total experience.  More with less means affirming faith and relationships as the basis for celebrating, and letting food play a complementary role."
                                 p. 26-27 Doris Janzen Longacre More-with-Less (italics added for emphasis)


 Today is National Doughnut Day.

The only reason I am aware of this holiday is because I heard a short blurb about it on National Public Radio (NPR) the other day.  The story explained how Dunkin' Donuts will begin offering its new sandwich on National Doughnut Day: fried eggs and bacon on a glazed doughnut.

Intrigued by National Doughnut Day, I began my scholarly research via Wikipedia and Google searches to learn about this day and other food days.

Here's what I discovered:
"National Doughnut Day started in 1938^[1] as a fund raiser for Chicago's The Salvation Army. Their goal was to help the needy during the Great Depression, and to honor The Salvation Army "Lassies" of World War I, who served doughnuts to soldiers."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Doughnut_Day

Many countries have specially recognized food days.
Italy has National Espresso Day.
The Netherlands have National Pancake Day.

Depending on which list you look at, the U.S. has somewhere between 175 and over 300 food days.  Some days even have two special foods.  August 2 is National Ice Cream Sandwich day and National Ice Cream Soda Day!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_food_days
http://www.statesymbolsusa.org/National_Symbols/American_Hollidays.html

We have essentially made National Doughnut Day's real meaning irrelevant because we've created so many other pointless days.
The reason for celebrating has been lost.  We don't know that we're supposed to be honoring the women who volunteered with the Salvation Army.  We're just having a doughnut.

And to compound the issue, we're "just having a doughnut" many mornings.   One statistic claims that more than 10 billion doughnuts are eaten every year in the U.S.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_doughnut_get_eaten_each_year

As Longacre pointed out, "celebrations bring enjoyment in proportion to how much they vary from the daily routine."  If we have a doughnut every morning, the celebration is lost when it comes time for National Doughnut Day.

Not only do we not remember the reason we're celebrating, our joy has been dulled so that a regular glazed doughnut won't satisfy.  We have to continually create new exciting doughnuts, like the egg, bacon, glazed doughnut to make the celebration feel any different than a regular day.

I eat almost the exact same thing every single day of the year

Since my first post was quite a long introduction to myself and the project that I am beginning on this blog, I plan to post a shorter piece today.

First, if you don't know much about eating disorders, there are certain aspects about them that make them similar to alcoholism or drug addictions.  They are primarily a mental illness, but they manifest in ways that affect the physical body.  People who have a substance addiction, and people who have eating disorders can be triggered by things they see, hear, taste, smell, touch, think about, remember, etc.  When a person is triggered, they have a strong desire to engage in their addiction.  For me, it actually causes physical feelings and sensations in my body.

While I cannot predict what will trigger other people with eating disorders, I will follow the guidelines used in group therapy sessions for people with eating disorders.  To the best of my ability, I will not do the following things on my blog:
1. Use numbers when talking about my weight currently or in the past
2. Use specific calorie amounts when I talk about food--mine or other people's
3. Use words that rank the severity of my eating disorder or the eating disorder of other people

That being said, you still need to have a vague picture of what a typical week of food looks like for me, so that you can understand the challenge and risk that I intend to undertake.

The following list is what my entire diet consists of: (See a future post for musings on the word diet).
flatbread, English muffins, yogurt, green beans, cheese, frozen meals, tuna, chicken lunch meat, vegan burgers, applesauce, oatmeal

Except for the applesauce, all of my food come pre-packaged, with a specific calorie amount clearly labeled on the package.  This is to allow myself to ensure that I get the calorie amount that I say that I am getting.  I also rarely, if ever, eat food that other people have prepared.

So, my husband has never made a meal for me.  We've been married ten years as of last month.  While this may sound very nice to some people who don't like to cook, I know that he would love the opportunity to make me a meal because it would mean that I trust him to make food for me.  (See a future post for musings about trust.)

While providing some benefits to my health and well-being, my diet also allows me to stay in a rut, to continue my addiction/habit, to not try new things, to let my anxiety get the best of me.  I have anxiety just thinking about making a change to my diet.

When I get coupons for Subway, I really want to use them and eat a sub sandwich.  But the mental energy that I expend deciding how I will change my meal plan, thinking about how I will feel, feeling sad about the food that I won't eat because I'm eating the sub instead, thinking about if I really like Subway...it gets to be overwhelming.

So, for the time being, I eat almost the exact same thing every single day of the year, and it's a very limited list of foods.

I'm tired of my diet.  I miss other foods.

This is not the only reason for taking on this project, my challenge to cook a new meal every week from More-with-Less, but it is part of the impetus.

Here's to fresh fruit, beans, salad, grilled chicken, ice cream, rice, crackers, chili, soup...

More-with-Much-Less: An Anorexic's Guide to Mennonite Cooking

My name is Michelle, and I am a thirty two year old Mennonite who has anorexia nervosa (AN), and I almost didn't become a Mennonite because of the food. 

I have been officially diagnosed with AN for longer than I have considered myself a Mennonite.  I grew up in a Christian home and made two professions of faith as a child and a teenager, but I did not become aware of the Mennonite tradition until my husband was working on his Master of Divinity and I was teaching Spanish in New Jersey.

Actually, in my undergraduate years at Oklahoma Baptist University, I went to church with a girl who was a traditional Mennonite with the long hair and long skirts.  Like most people, I knew Mennonites had something to do with the Amish, but I didn't know much else.

 But during our years in NJ, as my husband worked on his MDiv and I continued my contract as a member of the Army National Guard band, I began thinking about what I believed as a Christian and how that lined up with what my church professed and lived.  I was intrigued by Mennonite theology and practices, and when we knew we would be moving to Waco, Texas, we found a church that seemed perfect.  It was a small, Spanish/English bilingual, Mennonite church.  But like I said at the beginning of this post, I almost didn't become Mennonite because of the food.

When my husband and I began an e-mail discussion with the pastors of the church, I liked a lot of the ideas, but as soon as I read that they ate breakfast together every Sunday morning, I began thinking of excuses for not attending.  The real reason was that I didn't want to eat food other people had prepared.

Over the 16 years that I have had active eating disorder behaviors and symptoms, the disorder has had various phases.  I went through the very low fat diet, overexercising, eating a certain amount of calories, eating only certain types of foods, eating all of my food in the evening, eating all of my food early in the day, avoiding specific foods, picking at my food, eating only food that I prepared, eating only foods that come from a can or box, etc.

At the point that we were moving to Waco, I was in a phase of not eating much during the day and having anxiety about eating food other people prepared.  The food wasn't the only reason Matt and I didn't attend Hope Fellowship as soon as we moved to Waco, but it was the reason that I didn't go out of my way to attend the church.

While attending a traditional, mainline denomination church for several months that was within walking distance to our apartment,  Matt and I had several conversations about joining the church.  They all went something like this:
"We should join."
"Yeah, we should."

The speaker is interchangeable. And the outcome was always the same. The conversation ended there.

There was nothing inherently wrong with the church we were attending.  In many ways, it was just what we were looking for, if we were looking for a traditional church.  And it didn't hurt that they didn't eat breakfast together every Sunday, at least in the mind of a woman struggling with AN :-).

But we longed for a different understanding and vision of what it means to be a Christian and a disciple of Jesus Christ.  I wanted it enough that I was willing to "put up" with food.  So, I re-read the e-mails from the Mennonite church, and we made our first appearance on a Sunday in December of 2006.

It was completely unlike any church that we had ever attended, and my reaction was to think, "It's weird enough to feel right."  Over the years of involvement with the church and the decision to become members, I can now more clearly, if not more eloquently, explain what it is about the church and Mennonite theology that draws me, but I will explain that in future blogs.

For now, I will say that at first the food kept me away, and now the food keeps me there.  Sometimes it is the literal food.  Although I still struggle to eat food that other people prepare and usually don't eat during meals with my church body, I love sharing time around the table with other people.  And the metaphorical food, the body and blood of Christ, tethers me to this specific church and these specific disciples of Jesus.


One of the main tensions that kept us from joining the first church we attended in Waco was the lack of relevance that the Sunday activities seemed to have on the rest of the week and the daily lives of the church attendees.  I wanted a church that was my life, a way to live what I believe.

I didn't want to talk about "the poor" like they weren't part of our body, or maybe even us ourselves.  I didn't want to talk about living with less material wealth, I wanted to have less stuff.
I didn't want to talk about ethics, I wanted to live ethics.

But not growing up Mennonite, I didn't even realize that there was/is an ethic involved with food.  As someone with AN, I made all of my decisions based on restriction.  I restricted food, and I restricted money.  So, I chose foods based on two criteria: less calories and less money

The first time I heard the title of the Mennonite cookbook More With Less by Doris Janzen Longacre, I felt anxious.  I looked at it briefly enough to get a vague understanding of the book: Mennonites need to realize that our decisions about what we eat affect other people. 

I knew that I was not in a healthy enough place with my recovery to read/use the book.  From past experiences, I knew that I would use the book against myself.  It would only add to the guilt that I constantly put upon myself about food and the way that I was living and the person that I was.  I would use the book as a personal mandate to eat less food (as if I needed another voice telling me that!).  I already knew all about the idea of "less".  I was great at it! 

A well-intentioned paragraph out of the preface would have been another whip used for self-flagellation.  Janzen says, "MCC has asked each constituent household to look at its lifestyle, particularly food habits.  Noting the relationship between North American overconsumption and world need, a goal has been set to eat and spend 10 percent less" p. 13.

This paragraph would have been enough to send me into an inner world of turmoil, anxiety, and guilt.  I would want to save the world's poor by not eating my dinner.  I would want to save more money by buying less food. I would include myself in the "North American overconsumption" as I slowly wasted away on less and less food.

If you know anything about the cookbook, the idea is not about restricting, guilt, or self-punishment.  But I would not have been able to understand this if I had read it earlier.  Janzen's statement, "There is a way of wasting less, eating less, and spending less which gives not less but more," would have been completely lost on me.

Now, I feel healthy enough mentally, if not physically, to undertake this project.  I intend to read the book and cook one of the recipes each week and blog about my experience.  You might wonder what the point of this is.  Sometimes, I wonder the same thing.  But I think it is important as Mennonites and other Christians think about the ethics of food, hunger, and the poor, that we do not shape the conversation around the idea of guilt.

I want Mennonites to remember that there are those amongst us who already restrict our food but not for theological reasons.  I want to help myself and others have a conversation about what it means to eat together, share with those in need, and eat the body of Christ and drink the blood of Christ when we take communion together.