Quick Fruit Cobbler

Recipe #6: p. 273, Quick Fruit Cobbler--Jocele Meyer, Brooklyn, Ohio

sugar
flour
milk
baking powder

salt

"A dessert is (almost by definition) a food containing sugar.  But before getting into dessert recipes, let's remind ourselves that not all meals require a sweet ending.  The daily dessert habit is firmly entrenched in North America, but not with most other people.  In many countries sweets are used for celebrations only, not to top off everyday meals."  More-with-Less, p. 261

My son turned three about a week ago.  He loves food and eating, which is both helpful and difficult for me as a person with anorexia nervosa.

It can be difficult  when he gets down from breakfast and immediately asks about snack.  It can be difficult when I ask him what his favorite part of the day was and he names a food he ate. It can be difficult when it seems like so many of his thoughts revolve around food.

It can be helpful when I realize that he is learning to care for his needs and his body. It can be helpful when I realize that he shows as much joy and exuberance for food as for everything else in life.  It is helpful when I realize that so many of my thoughts also revolve around food, but at least his are about his enjoyment of eating.

So, when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday, "cake" was his response.  He also listed play with cars, and sing "Happy Birthday," but food was definitely part of his desire for his special day.

I used to believe that I could engage in a celebration with other people and not partake of the food.  It was my way of saying, "The food has nothing to do with my relationship with these people.  I can be a part of this relationship just as much as everybody else, regardless if I am eating with them.  My family and friends should love me for me, not for what I do or do not eat."

But over the past 10 years of therapy and recovery work that I have done, I have come to understand that my belief was false.  Eating a meal with someone is a way of sharing life with them, loving them, and letting them love me.


Of course, for food to be a healthy part of a relationship, people have to be healthy and mature enough to not use food as a way to guilt, manipulate, or shame themselves or each other.

My son's birthday offered an opportunity for me to choose a dessert to share with him to celebrate the day of his birth.  It also allowed me to support Longacre's view about the over-consumption of sugar and desserts in the U.S. by choosing a dessert that limits the amount of sugar and takes advantage of the natural sweetness of fruit.

I chose to use Granny Smith apples in the recipe, and it tasted pretty good.  The edges browned more quickly than the middle, so I did not cook it for as long as the recipe indicated.  Next time, I will cook it for the correct amount of time and try a glass baking dish instead of a metal pan.  

So, along my journey to recover from disordered eating and to be a faithful disciple of Jesus, I am learning to eat during celebrations while also thinking about the foods that are part of the celebration.  I do not have to buy a traditional U.S. birthday cake loaded with sugar and frosting.  I can make a cake or cobbler from More-with-Less that provides recipes that value celebrating and caring for God's earth and people.

As Longacre shares, "Sugar never was good for us...We've long been aware of sugar's role in tooth decay, diabetes, and obesity."
 "Much land now devoted to sugar should be used for other crops yielding proteins, vitamins, and minerals." More-with-Less, p. 260-261

Sitting around the kitchen table with my son and the rest of my family enjoying cobbler was a moment free of guilt, manipulation, and shame as I ate a dessert that tasted good.  It allowed me to use food  to celebrate in a way that felt joyful and also faithful.

Apple Snack

Recipe #2: Apple Snack p. 306
Peel, core, and halve apples.  Shred apples coarsely and put on buttered cookie sheet.  Bake until dry.

Confession #1: Recipe #2 was doomed to fail from the beginning.

I chose to make a snack instead of a dinner food this week because I knew we were having friends over to play a board game. It was also a decision I made based on eating disordered reasons.  I chose a recipe with the least amount of ingredients that I could find and then planned to eliminate even some of those.

So, going into this recipe with the intention of altering it, it's no wonder that it did not turn out well.  I just now realized that I didn't even prepare the apples correctly.

The recipe gives the following steps:
1. Peel.
2. Core.
3. Halve.
4. Shred.
5. Put on buttered cookie sheet.
6. Bake until dry.
7. Store in air-tight container.

This is what I did:
1. Core with apple slicer that cuts 8 slices.
2. Peel.
3. Oops, already cut them into slices
4. Shred--How on earth do you coarsely shred apples?  I tried a carrot shredder and a cheese grater.
5. Put on toaster oven tray.--I decided not to use the full-size oven.
6. Bake until tired of checking on the soggy mess.
7. There's no way I'm trying this or keeping the leftovers.

I told Matt and our friends that the apples weren't going to turn out very well, and they didn't have to try them. My friends graciously tried them, but Matt didn't.

Matt asked if I followed the recipe, and I immediately got defensive, felt guilty, and was angry with him for interfering.  My friend asked if I had put the butter on the tray.  Then, she asked if I had sprayed the tray to keep the apples from sticking.

I hadn't.  I know the label says the fat free cooking sprays have zero calories and zero fat, but there's a little note that says one of the ingredients adds a trivial amount of fat.  Therefore, my AN brain won, and I didn't spray the tray.

Matt responded that of course it didn't work without the butter.  My immediate response to that comment was to ask him if he was mad at me. 

My guests and Matt were gracious and kind for my failed apple snacks.

Confession #2:  I think I had already decided to find a way to not eat this recipe and therefore sabotaged it. 

When the apples didn't turn out perfectly, it seemed like an easy excuse to not try them.  Unfortunately, my kind friends tried them, and one even said it was like apple pie.  It's hard to justify not trying them after that.

I knew the apples weren't inedible, and they actually smelled pretty good.  But I told myself they weren't good, therefore I didn't have to eat them.  My justification in my head was that I already restrict and punish myself with food, so I refused to "waste" any of my calories on something that didn't look great and I didn't feel like eating. Therefore, I consciously chose not to try them.

Lesson #1:
Matt jokingly reminded me that the cookbook is already called More-with-Less.  He old me that I don't need to take out any ingredients because it's not like a mainstream cookbook asking me to add a bunch of junk to the recipe.  If the recipe calls for butter or onions, then use butter or onions.

The lesson here for me is that I do not need to be in charge.  I can trust the cookbook and the people with whom I will share the fellowship of the table.  I do not need to alter the recipe to "protect" myself from fat or ingredients that I may or may not like.   

My blog is called http://morewithmuchless.blogspot.com/ because that has been my worldview and decision-making motto, but I don't want to continue living from that paradigm.

Lesson #2:
I need to find a different way to decide what recipe I will cook next week.  I had already chosen one based on my previous requirements of:
1. Very few ingredients with very few calories or fat
2. Something that I can alter in some way

I have decided to choose three different recipes that I would actually like to try and then have Matt chose the order that I cook them for the next few weeks.