Quick Chocolate Pudding

Recipe #8: p. 264, Quick Chocolate Pudding, Grace Whitehead, Kokomo, Indiana

sugar or honey
cornstarch
cocoa
milk
vanilla
margarine (optional)

"After being diagnosed with cancer, Doris started keeping a journal. Some of the entries addressed the writing of Living More with Less, and her frustration with how her illness prevented her from working on the manuscript."

"Journal Entry—November 4, 1979 (written from Hershey Medical center)
I so much want to complete this book, one of the creative works of my life. But weighed in the balance against more time with Paul, Cara, and Marta, (husband and daughters) the book is like a dry dandelion ready to blow. But I shouldn't have to make such choices. If I get well enough to work on the book I will have time with my family."

 "Doris died quietly, peaceably, and surrounded by family on November 10, 1979, the manuscript not yet completed.
But the unfinished manuscript itself may be symbolic. The task of living responsible is never finished. In her preface to the More-with-Less Cookbook Doris describes the search for more responsible eating as a "kind of holy frustration." This holy frustration for more-with-less living needs to continue in our households, travel, recreation, and church life."
http://www.heraldpress.com/Bios/Longacre/journal.html 

Doris kept a list of things she felt were the frivolities of life—things one should not let get in the way of the enjoyment of living.
Life is too short to ice cakes; cakes are good without icing.
Life is too short to read all the church periodicals.
Life is too short not to write regularly to your parents.
Life is too short to eat factory baked bread.
Life is too short to keep all your floors shiny.
Life is too short to let a day pass without hugging your spouse and each of your children.
Life is too short to nurse grudges and hurt feelings.
Life is too short to worry about getting ready for Christmas; just let Christmas come.
Life is too short to spend much money on neckties and earrings.
Life is too short for nosy questions like "How do you like your new pastor?" Or—if there’s been a death—"How is he taking it?"
Life is too short to be gone from home more than a few nights a week.
Life is too short not to take a nap when you need one.
Life is too short to care whether purses match shoes or towels match bathrooms.
Life is too short to stay indoors when the trees turn color in fall, when it snows, or when the spring blossoms come out.
Life is too short to miss the call to worship on a Sunday morning.
Life is too short for bedspreads that are too fancy to sleep under.
Life is too short to work in a room without windows.
Life is too short to put off Bible study.
Life is too short to put off improving our relationships with the people we live with.
 http://www.heraldpress.com/Bios/Longacre/

If anyone is following my posts, you may have noticed that I skipped from Recipe #6 to Recipe #8.  I have already made Recipe #7, but this one feels more timely.

Today, my daughter turns three years old, and I made chocolate pudding for her birthday.  The recipe called for very few ingredients, and the instructions were very simple: Combine ingredients.  Cook.  Stir constantly unti thickened.

This sounded simple enough, and, in reality, it was.  I just did not have realistic expectations for how long it takes for pudding to thicken.

I really enjoy stirring pots of cooking food, and I always have.  I have fond memories of stirring pots of sauce or holiday foods when my family was cooking.

And the process of watching cornstarch turn powder and liquid materials into a thickened substance, was really quite intriguing for me.

But it took forty-five minutes of constant stirring for my Quick Chocolate Pudding to thicken.  Those were forty-five minutes that I could have been reading a book with my daughter, or tickling her, or telling her stories about her first three years of life.

While I agree with Longacre, that Americans in general overeat sugar and processed foods (More-with-Less p. 21), I also believe that she is correct when she says, "There is not just one way to respond, nor is there a single answer to the world's food problem.  It may not be within our capacity to effect an answer.  But it is within our capacity to search for a faithful response" (More-with-Less p. 13).

This search for a faithful response must also take into Longacre's list of Life is too short...

And for me, life might just be too short to make my own pudding in the future.

Quick Fruit Cobbler

Recipe #6: p. 273, Quick Fruit Cobbler--Jocele Meyer, Brooklyn, Ohio

sugar
flour
milk
baking powder

salt

"A dessert is (almost by definition) a food containing sugar.  But before getting into dessert recipes, let's remind ourselves that not all meals require a sweet ending.  The daily dessert habit is firmly entrenched in North America, but not with most other people.  In many countries sweets are used for celebrations only, not to top off everyday meals."  More-with-Less, p. 261

My son turned three about a week ago.  He loves food and eating, which is both helpful and difficult for me as a person with anorexia nervosa.

It can be difficult  when he gets down from breakfast and immediately asks about snack.  It can be difficult when I ask him what his favorite part of the day was and he names a food he ate. It can be difficult when it seems like so many of his thoughts revolve around food.

It can be helpful when I realize that he is learning to care for his needs and his body. It can be helpful when I realize that he shows as much joy and exuberance for food as for everything else in life.  It is helpful when I realize that so many of my thoughts also revolve around food, but at least his are about his enjoyment of eating.

So, when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday, "cake" was his response.  He also listed play with cars, and sing "Happy Birthday," but food was definitely part of his desire for his special day.

I used to believe that I could engage in a celebration with other people and not partake of the food.  It was my way of saying, "The food has nothing to do with my relationship with these people.  I can be a part of this relationship just as much as everybody else, regardless if I am eating with them.  My family and friends should love me for me, not for what I do or do not eat."

But over the past 10 years of therapy and recovery work that I have done, I have come to understand that my belief was false.  Eating a meal with someone is a way of sharing life with them, loving them, and letting them love me.


Of course, for food to be a healthy part of a relationship, people have to be healthy and mature enough to not use food as a way to guilt, manipulate, or shame themselves or each other.

My son's birthday offered an opportunity for me to choose a dessert to share with him to celebrate the day of his birth.  It also allowed me to support Longacre's view about the over-consumption of sugar and desserts in the U.S. by choosing a dessert that limits the amount of sugar and takes advantage of the natural sweetness of fruit.

I chose to use Granny Smith apples in the recipe, and it tasted pretty good.  The edges browned more quickly than the middle, so I did not cook it for as long as the recipe indicated.  Next time, I will cook it for the correct amount of time and try a glass baking dish instead of a metal pan.  

So, along my journey to recover from disordered eating and to be a faithful disciple of Jesus, I am learning to eat during celebrations while also thinking about the foods that are part of the celebration.  I do not have to buy a traditional U.S. birthday cake loaded with sugar and frosting.  I can make a cake or cobbler from More-with-Less that provides recipes that value celebrating and caring for God's earth and people.

As Longacre shares, "Sugar never was good for us...We've long been aware of sugar's role in tooth decay, diabetes, and obesity."
 "Much land now devoted to sugar should be used for other crops yielding proteins, vitamins, and minerals." More-with-Less, p. 260-261

Sitting around the kitchen table with my son and the rest of my family enjoying cobbler was a moment free of guilt, manipulation, and shame as I ate a dessert that tasted good.  It allowed me to use food  to celebrate in a way that felt joyful and also faithful.

Cake is the biggest temptation in life

"'Doctors are allowed to tell us things which they might not do themselves.  They know what the right this is, but they may not be able to do it themselves.  That does not mean that their advice is bad advice.'"  Mma Potokwane p. 109

p. 110
"'Maybe there are people who would say that I eat too much cake.'"

"'But you do not eat too much, do you?'" observed Mma Ramotswe.

Mma Potokwane's response came quickly.  "'No, I do not.  I do not eat too much cake.'" She paused, and looked wistfully at her now emptying plate. "'Sometimes I would like to eat too much cake.  That is certainly true.  Sometimes I am tempted.'"

Mma Ramotswe sighed.  "'We are all tempted, Mma.  We are all tempted when it come to cake.'"

"'That is true,'" said Mma Potokwane sadly.  "'There are many temptations in this life, but cake is probably one of the biggest of them.'"

p. 111
"'Temptation is very difficult,'" said Mma Ramotswe quietly.  "'I do not always resist it.  I am not a strong woman in that respect.'"

"'I am glad you said that,"' said Mma Potokwane.  "'I am not strong either.  For example, right at the moment, I am thinking of cake.'"

"'And so am I,'" confessed Mma Ramotswe.

Mma Potokwane stood up and shouted to the girl outside.  "'Two more pieces of cake, please.  Two big slices.'"

From the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency Series In the Company of Cheerful Ladies 


I love reading series of novels during the summer.  As a child, I read Nancy Drew, The Boxcar Children, and many others.  This summer, I discovered the delightful No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series about a woman in Botswana, Africa who starts a detective agency.

Each book has various mysteries, but the majority of the books deal with issues in Botswana and the rest of Africa, rights of women, education, cultural norms, changing societies, and many other intriguing topics.

Written by a Swedish man who was born in Zimbabwe, Africa, I have enjoyed gaining more knowledge about Botswana.  Particularly interesting to me have been references to food, bodies, and body image.  Mma Ramotswe, the protagonist, is proud of being a traditionally built lady and makes various comments about thin women and feeling sorry for them.

In Morality for Beautiful Girls, Mma Ramotswe is described as follows:
"She had a taste for sugar, however, and this meant that a doughnut or a cake might follow the sandwich. She was a traditionally built lady, after all, and she did not have to worry about dress size, unlike those poor, neurotic people who were always looking in mirrors and thinking that they were too big. What was too big, anyway? Who was to tell another person what size they should be? It was a form of dictatorship, by the thin, and she was not having any of it. If these thin people became any more insistent, then the more generously sized people would just have to sit on them. Yes, that would teach them! Hah!”

I have been unable to reconcile this description with the cake scene.  If Mma Ramotswe really does feel justified in being a traditionally built lady, why is language like temptation, confessed, and resist used to describe cake?

And while her question, "What was too big, anyway?" might be valid, why does she go on to judge thin people as poor and neurotic, accusing them of the dictatorship of the thin?

In the U.S., with an epidemic of obesity and an obsession with thinness, the messages are just as mixed up and confusing.  It would be easy for one to believe from the media that everyone in the U.S. is either obese or dangerously thin.  We all either need to be losing or gaining weight.  We are all weak and tempted and just need to resist the enemies, which arefood and our bodies. 

I believe that people who are unhealthily overweight would live a more fulfilled life if they were able to lose weight.  I believe that people who are unhealthily underweight would live a more fulfilled life if they were able to gain weight.

I believe that we would all live more fulfilled lives if there were not a gigantic scale that we used to measure our physical bodies, and therefore our "goodness" or "badness".

While I appreciate that the U.S. government and medical profession have launched campaigns in the war against obesity and the modeling world and advertisement professions have spoken out against the dangers of eating disorders, I hope expectantly for a day when the phrase "real women" is no longer used.

What is a "real woman"?
Do real women always have curves?
Are real women not the models who walk the runway? 
 I choose to answer the first question based on my Christian Mennonite beliefs and faith.

Real women are disciples of Jesus.

The rest of the questions don't really need to be answered.

 

Six-Layer Dish

Recipe #5: p. 137, Six-Layer Dish--Bonnie Zook, Leola, PA; Martha Buckwalter, Lancaster, PA; Fern Lehman, Kidron, OH

potatos
carrots
uncooked rice
onions
ground beef
canned tomatoes
brown sugar



"Much of the what's-wrong-with-us material relating to world food needs centers on overconsumption of protein.  While protein is widely lacking in poorer countries, most people in Candada and the United States eat much more than necessary.
    Much of the protein we eat, in contrast to poorer nations, comes from meat, milk, and eggs.  Beef cattle are poor converters of grain to food protein." More-with-Less, p. 20-21


 http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2004-03-18/news/0403180191_1_pedro-alvarez-cattle-cuban-economy

"In communist Cuba, only the state is allowed to slaughter cattle and sell the meat. Citizens who kill a cow--even if they raised it themselves--can get a 10-year prison sentence. Anyone who transports or sells a poached animal can get locked up for 8 years.
"My brother-in-law got a 12-year prison sentence for killing 12 cows," said an accountant who lives in the cattle-raising region.
But it's not unheard of for Cubans to sneak into a pasture at night and butcher a cow on the spot. Residents have been known to descend on a cow struck by lightning, carving it up in minutes even though the meat often is charred and they risk a fine if caught by police.
The same thing can happen if a cow is hit by a car or dies of illness or malnutrition, in giving birth or of old age, even though residents admit the law requires them to leave the carcass alone and notify local officials."


Last week, I cooked this Six-Layer-Dish that had one pound of ground beef for 4 people.

Recently, I learned about the rarity of beef for Cubans.

Granted, Communist Cuba does not accurately reflect the same realities of all of the poorer countries in the world, it does highlight the extremes with regards to protein-consumption between the U.S./Canada and many poorer countries.

As a person who has battled Anorexia Nervosa (AN) for years, beef has been for me one of my "scary", "off-limit" foods due to so many news stories and conversations about red meat being bad, ads for double quarter pounders with cheese, and the idea of the typical fatty high school lunch of burgers and fries sending me into near-panic-attacks about gaining weight.

So, when I read Longacre say that people in the U.S. and Canada need to limit their intake of beef, it is easy for me to rationalize that this statement pertains to me specifically.  It is also easy for me to live out this limitation since I probably eat beef one to two times a year.

But my restriction of beef is not with the altruistic motive of helping people in other countries have access to more protein.  It is based on fear of being fat or unhealthy.  It is just as self-focused as someone who chooses to eat a double quarter pounder with cheese a few times a week.

In Cuba, the government is choosing to restrict beef.  In the U.S., the government chooses not to restrict the overconsumption of beef. 

Restriction and overconsumption (or lack-of-restriction) have the same outcomes:

obsession, numbness, selfishness, greed, sadness, hopelessness

Somewhere between the extremes of having unlimited access to beef and scraping a lightning-charred hunk of beef off a road is a healthy, faithful way to eat and enjoy beef.  And I hope to find it one day.


*By the way, this recipe was amazing, and I enjoyed the little bite of beef that I allowed myself.

Beans with Sweet-Sour Sauce

Recipe #4: p. 99,Beans with Sweet-Sour Sauce--Helen E. Reiger, Newton, Kansas
navy beans
fat
flour
sugar
corn syrup
salt
vinegar

An excerpt from an e-mail I sent to some of my friends:
"I'm preparing to make my next meal from More with Less for my blog, and I am such a cooking novice that I need some help! The recipe calls for 1.5 T of fat.  What do I use?  I don't have leftover fat from meat or anything, so I don't know if I use an olive oil, crisco, butter.  Can any of you help me?"


"Characteristics of anorexia nervosa include self-starvation and a strong fear if being fat." "I'm Like So Fat!" Dianne Neumark-Sztainer p. 11


"Rollie: I feel so fat.
Kathy: You feel fat?  I feel really fat...

When teenagers, particularly teenage girls, engage in fat talk, they're often looking for reassurance...

What does it mean to "feel" fat?  Author Sandra Friedman (When Girls Feel Fat...) correctly states that fat is not a feeling...Unfortunately, dieting won't erase the feeling, because being fat is not the issue."  "I'm Like So Fat! Dianne Neumark-Sztainer p. 59-60


FAT
Talk about a terrible word for a person suffering with Anorexia Nervosa and one with so many meanings, memories, and feelings associated with it.

I distinctly remember in fifth grade beginning my eating disordered thinking.  I had always been an anxious child and had tendencies toward obsessive compulsive behavior, but in the fifth grade my anxieties became centralized in my body.

Many stressors in my life compiled along with actual physical changes related to puberty during that time period, and I began linking my negative feelings with being fat.

"Do I look fat?" was a question that I asked my mom countless times during that time in my life and would ask many other loved ones over the next 15 years.

As you're reading this, you may think: "I've felt fat before," but the feeling is extreme for people with AN, and it leads us to take extreme measures to ensure that we do not become fat or are able to reverse these fat feelings.

The fat feeling used to compel me to restrict food, to exercise a few more minutes, to obsessively plan ways to cut calories, and to imagine how much calmer and happier I would be if I didn't feel fat.

Now that I'm further along in my recovery, fat no longer holds the same power over me as it once did.  I can stand up straight and not "cover" myself with my arms hoping that no one will see my fat.  Fat is not something that I need to avoid or remove from all of my food and from my body.  I am able to look at fat as an ingredient in a recipe instead of as something that I embody.

And for those of you who are wondering, I ended up using a butter-substitute in the recipe, and the family and I all really enjoyed the beans.  We highly recommend them! 

Willow Wands Who Bend Whichever Way the Wind Blows

"I sometimes think of victims of eating disorders as willow wands who bend whichever way the wind blows...I have heard many people describe eating disorders as a consequence of low self-esteem...I believe the problem goes far deeper.  In fact, I find that individuals with eating disorders have no sense of self or identity except for the fulfillment of their extremely subjective perception of others' expectations"  The Secret Language of Eating Disorders  by Peggy Claude-Pierre p. 42-43

 http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Language-Eating-Disorders-Understand/dp/0375750185/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376692731&sr=1-1&keywords=the+secret+language+of+eating+disorders

"I broke free from Ed, my eating disorder, through a therapeutic approach I learned from psychotherapist Thom Rutledge, which involves thinking of the eating disorder as a distinct being with unique thoughts and a personality separate from my own...In order to change my relationship with Ed, I had to learn to stand back and separate myself from him.  I had to make room for my own opinion, which created the opportunity for me to disagree with Ed.  I realized that my food obsessions and my condemnation of my own body were coming from Ed, not me.   To this day, recovery is about making room for the real me to exist."  Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer Introduction xix, xxi, xxii

http://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Ed-Declared-Independence/dp/0071422986/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376692781&sr=1-1&keywords=life+without+ed+by+jenni+schaefer

I read both of these books and have revisited them at different points during my recovery journey.  They are great resources to help understand and treat eating disorders.

But while I found both of these books to be helpful resources for myself and for loved ones in my life helping me with recovery, I also found both of them to be lacking something necessary for my recovery.

It wasn't enough for me to be able to discover my identity and things I value and enjoy.  It wasn't enough for me to no longer base my life on what I thought about other people's views of me.  It wasn't enough for me to be unconditionally loved by people in my life.

I thought my life's purpose was to do something "meaningful", which for me meant helping people who were suffering.  Along the way, I suffered with a dangerous mental illness, anorexia nervosa and wasn't able to do anything to end my own suffering.  I thought if I could just work hard enough to end other people's and my own suffering, that would be enough to help me recover.

But I realized somewhere along that journey  that the purpose of life (yes, I am making the bold declaration that I may have discovered the purpose of life!) is not to end suffering.  That in itself is not enough.
 
When I read Dorothy Day's book The Long Loneliness last year, it was life-changing for me.  She writes about her early years starting the Catholic Workers' Movement, and the line that captivated my heart and mind was Day explaining that life is about "human flourishing".

http://www.amazon.com/Long-Loneliness-Autobiography-Legendary-Catholic/dp/B0075IB4AA/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376692870&sr=1-3&keywords=long+loneliness+dorothy+day

I had assumed that life was about the absence of suffering, restricting my enjoyment so that others might not suffer as much.  And that was the attitude I brought to my first encounter with More-with-Less by Longacre.  If I can just limit my food a little more, than other people will not suffer as much.

But I missed the point.  As Longacre writes, "There is a way, I discovered of wasting less, eating less, and spending less that gives not less, but more." p. 18

She also points out Jesus "entering wholeheartedly into times of joy and feasting". p. 26.

It's not enough for me to work hard to end suffering, be that world hunger or my own hunger imposed by an eating disorder.

Dorothy Day writes in The Long Loneliness, "What we  (The Catholic Workers' Movement) would like to do is change the world--make it a little simpler for people to feed, clothe, and shelter themselves as God intended them to do. And, by fighting for better conditions, by crying out unceasingly for the rights of the workers, the poor, of the destitute--the rights of the worthy and the unworthy poor, in other words--we can, to a certain extent, change the world; we can work for the oasis, the little cell of joy and peace in a harried world."  

I must remember that this cell of joy and peace that Day refers to is the redemptive love of God lived out through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  God intends for us to live lives of joy and human flourishing.

Garden Salad

Recipe #3: p. 248, Garden Salad
shredded carrots
diced cauliflower
frozen peas or chick-peas
chopped celery
chopped tomatoes
chopped cucumbers
chopped lettuce
roasted sunflower seeds

"Good cooks don't need many salad recipes.  The best salads are simple collections of raw vegetables with only a light touch of dressing."
                       --Longacre p. 243

I am definitely NOT a good cook.  There is potential for me to be a good cook one day, but for years my battle with Anorexia Nervosa (AN) has always limited my chef-abilities.  Therefore, I will include the Salads section in my adventure in cooking through the More-with-Less cookbook.

Last week, plans changed unexpectedly on the day I intended to make this salad, and as is true for many people who suffer with Eating Disorders (ED), change can cause me anxiety.

In the past, my main means of dealing with stress, anxiety, anger, tension, and any other feeling that I deemed as "negative" was to restrict my food or work out extra.  Now that I actively seek recovery and reconciliation in my life and with my body, these are not my main coping mechanisms.

But sometimes I still try to control situations that cause me some anxiety by manipulating food and my menu.  I decided that it was too complicated to try and make a recipe on my usual day of Monday and told myself that I would make two recipes this week.

As usual, my intentions were good, and I even had the ingredients for both recipes.  But by Sunday night, I had allowed options for other meals to enter my mind.  Once I allow myself to think about changing a meal or eliminating calories or adding a few more minutes of exercise, it's as if it is then something that I have to do.  It morphs from a possibility to a requirement.

So, Monday morning it no longer felt like an option to make two recipes.  And it even seemed silly and irrational.  I told myself that no one is really following this Blog very closely and won't know if I made a recipe last week or not.  I told myself that Monday is my busiest day of the week, and it would be too stressful to try and do a second recipe. I told myself that it would be easier to just eat the garden salad that I had already made on Sunday and not have to think about trying two new foods at one meal.


 Unlike with recipe #2, Apple Snack, I had already decided that I would actually eat this salad and had even decided that I would eat one piece of each ingredient that was in it instead of only eating the ones that I have arbitrarily labeled as "safe" for me to eat.

At 6:00 our friends arrived, I had already heated the baked potatoes and black beans, and I felt very little anxiety about eating my garden salad.  I did have guilt and feelings of failure that I hadn't followed through with making the new bean recipe that I had planned to make, but by the time I sat down at the table, I had allowed myself some grace and moved on.  The conversation was fun, I liked the salad, and our four kids all played well.  After they left, I enjoyed watching a little TV and reading, and then I went to bed.

Tuesday morning, I didn't work out extra or more intensely, and I didn't spend the whole day trying to figure out how to "undo" the calories that I had eaten the day before. 
 
I can tell that I am further along in recovery  because a situation like this would have seemed virtually impossible for me a few years ago: eating something not labeled with a calorie-amount, not obsessing about what I was eating while I was eating it, showing myself grace when I didn't do something as well as I could have, and not obsessing about something I had done and trying to make up for it later.

But being further along in recovery has also been my excuse in the past for not continuing to move forward.  I justify to myself, and people around me, that I did something different, I took a risk, I ate "more".  It has been a way for me to do something but not really do anything at the same time.  It allows me to stay stuck.

I was reminded this week as I started reading The Life Model--Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, that recovery is not something that I can achieve on my own just because I am working really hard.  As the authors say, "The time-honored Christian approach to pain and wholeness involves our activity as well as God's: His work in us is to bring redemption to all of that traumas that have broken us, and our work is to strive for maturity as we progress to wholeness." p. 16-17

My prayer for today is that I allow God to bring redemption to the pain I have experienced and caused due to the AN as I work to mature in my faith and relationships as I move toward wholeness.